Byline: Tam Cowan
DAY THREE in Celebrity Big Brother house and two vital ingredients are missing - celebrities (hands up if you've heard of Bez or Kenzie) and Frank McAvennie.
Cruelly snubbed by Channel 4 bosses, Macca must be tearing out his peroxide blond hair, particularly if he tuned in to the first instalment on Thursday and saw Brigitte Nielsen and Caprice sharing a hot tub.
Before you could say 'up periscope', he would have dived head first into the whirl-pool before practising his breaststroke.
And its anyone's guess just how many lengths he would have managed.
Sadly, though, despite the fact he's something of aTV veteran - credits include Top Gear,Who's Line Is It Anyway and Treasure Hunt - Macca didn't get the nod on this occasion.
Talk about a double whammy? As you may recall, he also got a knockback from I'm A Celebrity.. Get Me Out Of Here as the producers feared an embarrassing mix-up when it came to the Bushtucker Trials.
Still, for the sake of Macca's health, it's probably just as well he wasn't invited into the Big Brother House. A few days in the company of the extremely buxom Ms Nielsen and he might have suffocated.
There would have been other dangers. After being locked up in a house for a fortnight, who's to say the sex-mad soccer legend wouldn't have started taking a shine to John McCririck's sideburns?
I originally thought Macca would have hit it off with campaigning feminist Germaine Greer - both are all for women burning their bras - but that was until the 65-year-old Aussie revealed she doesn't wear underwear and sleeps in the nude.
Aye, I think you're better off where you are, Macca.
Celebrity Big Brother without McAvennie is almost as disappointing as an Old Firm derby without Neil Lennon. …