Jeremy Clarkson Isn't Everyman, He's Reptonman

Article excerpt

Who will hang the hangers-on? Well, me, given half a chance. And the first person to be frogmarched to the gallows under a Donald dictatorship would be the asinine Colonel Fawn. We could not have made it plainer to those who travel with us that there should be no counting of chickens. The cat is in the bag and we are zipping our lips. Except, of course, for the imbecilic editor of GQ (it's not for Gentlemen; it isn't Quarterly; what is its point?), who prints a list of the most powerful people in Britain featuring Dave at No 1; Little George at No 4; Chris Grayling (?) at 15; Ed Vaizey (?) at 19; and Ann Widdecombe (!) at 24 for "redefining compassionate conservatism".

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Forgive me, Colonel, but have I missed a coup? Is it really your belief that Osborne has more power than Murdoch? Do you honestly think Chris "AC/DC" Grayling is more influential than Alistair Darling and the Prince of Wales combined?

Or is this a piece of crawling of such grandiosity, Fawn, that even the notoriously flatterable Dave'n' George will see through it? I fear so. Consider your chances of a safe seat, Colonel, to bezilched. You will not be the first magazine editor to make a splash on the political stage. …