War News This Morning Is Unimportant

Article excerpt

This banner headline, splashed in big type across the top of The Toronto World front page on April 29, 1898 jibed U.S. newspaper reports of the Spanish-American war, then just getting started. Aside from alleged presidential peccadilloes, few things have been more sensationalized by the American press than the Spanish-American war. Since Canada wasn't involved, Canadian newspapers could take a somewhat different slant, as this report indicates.

FOURTEENTH WAR SPECIAL

A Lot of Despatches That were Never Received in This Office.

Dissatisfaction over the Absence of a Mortuary List -- The Spanish Fish Stony Denied -- Knapp's Roller Boat Mentioned -- A Boat Load of Grapes Causes a Lot of Worry - Sad Story of a Sailor -- A Lot of Lies

By cable from the special correspondent at Mimico of The Parkdale Bluffer, Leslieville Fakir, and Eglinton Four Flush.

New York, April 28--Much regret is expressed in the newspaper offices here that no one has so far been killed in actual warfare. These papers are spending thousands of dollars daily in their efforts to provide the latest sensational war news and it is really unfair to them that nobody is getting killed. The navy and army of the Republic is [sic] on active duty and, as documentary evidence that the money is not being wasted, a certain number of death certificates of soldiers or sailor is a long-felt need in the newspaper offices. The Spanish have many other faults, but are certainly derelict in their duty in not killing off a few Americans at the present stage of war excitement. It is not only unfair to the papers who are spending their dollars, but also the public, who are spending their cents for the papers. By all nations it is considered exceedingly bad form to have a war in which no one is killed, and unless President McKinley calls the attention of the navy and army to this fact, there is serious danger that the idea of war with anyone at all will become exceedingly unpopular in the United States, particularly with the New York newspapers and their subscribers. A suggestion is offered that the United States purchase a few Chinamen to be voluntarily killed by the Spaniards. This would satiate the public desire for bloodshed. President McKinley should ask the Senate's consent to placing this suggestion under consideration.

What the people want now is "Killed at his duty," "Friends will kindly accept this intimation," and "No flowers."

A Roller Boat Chartered

Havana, April 28-It is learned that Knapp's roller boat of Toronto has been commissioned by the United States to scare the Spaniards into submission. Unless the roller boat proves a success, the ruse will be an advantageous one. …