Slue the sinnets! Steeve the strops! Prepare to cast off for another jaunty trip through the springs and narrows of international and domestic affairs! Gird yourself for jollity! Today, I have for you some top items on dancing and rubber gloves, and more besides! I have! Ready? Sorry? Surely it's time for the last joke in my jokebook, thus spelling the end of an era of golden chuckles? Well, it would be, had not Mr Tyack of Winchester been in touch: "Dear Captain Moonlight, have you heard this one? What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat? A milky baa kid! Good or not?" Splendid, Mr Tyack, please accept one of the Captain's black- and- silver enamel-effect Moonlight Badges. The Last Joke will just have to wait. Forward!
Breakdown! You will, doubtless, have seen the latest figures from the Office of National Statistics showing how Britons spend their time: 29 per cent of it asleep, 15 per cent watching television, 6 per cent ironing, that sort of thing. You will, equally doubtless, want a full breakdown of how the Captain spends his time: 1. Opening eyes gingerly, closing them quickly, opening them again, yawning, fumbling feet into slippers, staring at clock in disbelief: 10 per cent. 2. Vigorous star jumps immediately following: 0.001 per cent. 3. Staring in bathroom mirror in disbelief: 15 per cent. 4. Upbraiding valet for tapping Captain's boiled egg too loudly: 1 per cent. 5. Correcting valet's attempts at producing co-ordinated Captain: 10 per cent. 6. Perusing newspapers and attending to mail while being rowed by valet to Docklands office: 5 per cent. 7. Composing thoughts in office with eyes closed and chin on chest: 20 per cent. 8. Answering, fending off, and calling top contacts: 0.009 per cent. 9. Donning visor and fashioning Moonlight Badges: 5 per cent. 10. Visiting Club: 20 per cent. (Throwing bread rolls and singing there: 18 per cent. Throwing jelly: 1 per cent. Waking up sleeping members by smacking their newspapers: 1 per cent). 11. Suggesting column to valet: 1 per cent. 12. Waiting in bed at home with eyes closed for valet to complete mundane chore of fleshing out column: 12 per cent. Thank you.
Manners! People, you know, often write in to the Captain for advice on the correct way of doing things in a society where etiquette does not escape the chronic contemporary sense of transience and superficiality. And so I guide, sometimes by way of direct advice, sometimes by pointing out a useful exemplar of behaviour. That is the case today, on the ticklish subject of demanding fees for TV interviews. And Mr Ron Atkinson, the former football manager, and chunky male jewellery trailblazer, showed the way last week when he chose, as recompense for his thoughts, six bottles of pink champagne to be delivered to the boot of his car which was parked at his golf club. It's all there, really, isn't it? Next!
Twinkle! Oh, what fun! That's the whimsical columnar effect that
introduces another informative dispatch
from my showbiz correspondent, Ms Britt Bafter! "Captain! Sophie Ellis
Bextor wears knickers in Norwich City's
colours, Martine McCutcheon has a phobia about rubber gloves, and Heartbeat is the most popular TV programme in Iran!" Remarkable. I seem to remember that "Norwich" is also an acronym for something or other. Ah, yes, that's right. Next, quickly!
Gripe! Yes, it's time for my splendid …