What to do with a mad cow? "Cut it into pieces," says a card from Islington bearing the signature T Blair, "sell them to the people, and have a steak-holder economy." For some reason, our mention of mad cows seems to have brought out the political punditry in our readers. The phrases "replace it with John Major" and "send it to the Lords" were extremely popular. "Any mad cow," says Duncan Bull, "should be sent to graze on College Green besides the Houses of Parliament. In comparison with some of her new neighbours, she would seem 200 per cent sane." Ciarn Ryan, more caringly, advises: "Leave it in its herd. Its community will take care of it." Kevin Skelding says send it to a health farm. Mark Walmsley says send it to the funny farm.
Gail Lees is surprised we have a problem with mad cows in view of the tested method for dealing with them: "The other members of the herd should hold a cabinet meeting and vote her out of the field."
"One could calm down a mad cow," says Olive Cork, "by telling it that Damien Hirst was on show at the Tate pickled in alcohol." Several others recommended giving it to Damien Hirst, christening it "Damien", or giving Damien Hirst to it.
"Interview it on Panorama" was another popular idea, while china shops also featured prominently. "Parade outside shop," suggests Harold Stone, "to distract bull while china is removed." J Hampson sees it more as a therapist for bulls in china shops.
"Mad Cows Week," Stuart Cooper tells us, "is when insane yachtsmen race each other round the Isle of Wight."
"Keep them in quarantine," advises RJ Pickles, "to discover whether symptoms are due to long association with mankind. …