By Tyrrell, R. Emmett, Jr.
The American Spectator , Vol. 39, No. 6
May slipped into the rearview mirror of history as Republican politicos grew increasingly alarmed that their "political base" will be in grumpy repose come the November elections. Conservatives are divided by the controversy over illegal aliens. They are offended by prodigal congressional spending. And a new political element looms on the horizon, "Hurricane Season." Throughout the month the screamers of the Kultursmoy warned of its approach and of its possible political consequences, especially for Republicans. Precisely what the conservative position should be on Hurricane Season remains in doubt. Possibly Mr. Bill O'Reilly, the nocturnal blowhard at the Fox News network, will duly excogitate a proper conservative position. He is today's William F. Buckley Jr. and probably the Twenty-First Century's Edmund Burke. At any rate, hy the end of May President George W. Bush's approval ratings had fallen to historic lows, and there is almost no chance he will improve them with a slurry intern crisis.
Yet the Democrats have their Angry Left to contend with, and anyone who has contemplated its obscenitylaced vituperations recognizes that these people can be difficult and often in need of mouthwash. Call them the Halitotic Left. They compose the Democrats' political fundament and they are even gloomier than the Republicans' conservatives. Scientific findings published early in May are sure to dampen the ardor of the Halitotic Left for politics, especially those who rant for former Vice President Al-Gore. According to a fouryear study released by the British Ministry of Defense, Unidentified Flying Objects (UFOs) are not objects at all. Nor do they fly. They are mere atmospheric illusions produced by plasmas of gas driven mad by electrical charges. In sum, there are no flying saucers or even flying colanders. In point of fact, the UFO movement was petering out even before the publication of this report. The number of UFO sighting* has declined dramatically. At this year's 40th annual National UFO Conference only 80 people showed up, despite the fact that the conference was held in Los Angeles, California. Once thought to be a major source for funding the Democratic Party and for acquiring party activists, the UFO movement in the mid-1970s had the vocal support of a Democratic president, the incomparable Mr. Jimmy Carter. During the 1976 presidential campaign he talked openly of his own personal UFO sighting. It took place in Leary, Georgia, on the evening of January 6,1969, at 7:15 P.M. What Jimmy was doing out that late at night has never been explained. Still, it is the judgment of the British Ministry of Defense that all he saw that night was plasma dancing and undulating from an electrical goose.
Perhaps this depressing news explains the fevered antics of Mr. Al-Gore. He went to the Cannes Film Festival for the premier of his documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, which portrays the planet earth as becoming the kind of Caribbean hot spot that he and his friends jet off to in wintertime. After Cannes the sun-tanned former vice president jetted on to the United Kingdom where at the Hay Festival he warned of an imminent "planetary emergency." Wearing an open-collared work shirt, but clean shaven and without a turban, the glassy-eyed energumen bawled that his fellow earthlings face a "danger which could bring the end of civilization"-no more Hip-Hop. Primetime television will be off the air! The songs of Mr. Michael Jackson and his historic "Moonwalk" will be inaccessible to educated Americans. The world will fall dark. All this will be vouchsafed by Global Warming, our "planetary emergency." Yet there is a solution: international regulation of the global economy, taxes, and technological innovation. One such innovation might he for the Gore administration-when it comes into being in 2009-to construct giant air conditioners around every American city of over 50,000 inhabitants. For cities of 50,000 and fewer the Gore administration could distribute room fans and bring back the days when ice trucks visited every neighborhood. …