Acquittal; Rape; Aspirins; Senility; and the Mysterious Firefly

Article excerpt

February passed with the leaders of many Islamic countries looking to the heavens and praying for the survival of their aspirin factories. His acquittal on February 12 notwithstanding, the Boy President suffered calamitous news during the month, and every turban-headed statesman from Hindu Kush to Sudan now knows that when danger closes in on the Animal House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, missiles whoosh over Allah's real estate. First came the news that Judge Susan Webber Wright was contemplating holding the Groper in contempt of court. Then came reports that Miss Monica Lewinsky's memoir would be published in March, just after the broadcast of her long-awaited interview with Miss Barbara Walters. The Wall Street Journal and the Washington Post reported that the Groper is probably a rapist. And NBC News produced the corpus delicti, a 5-yearold woman, Mrs. Juanita Broaddrick, who reported that when Mr. Clinton was Arkansas's attorney general he raped her. Her story first came to light when it was subpoenaed by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr and deposited in the Ford Building in Washington. During Congress's impeachment hearing forty hesitant members of Congress read it and voted impeachment articles against the brute. In February not one Democratic senator bothered and all stood shoulder to shoulder with a handful of bemused Republicans to acquit America's first presidential sex offender. Yet all is not lost. By month's end the administration was taking a very strong line against Peking. The Red Chinese generals could not be but impressed that the American president stands accused of rape.

In Prague a contretemps erupted between Britain's intelligence service (MI6) and the Czech intelligence service (BIS). Unfamiliar with the historic customs of British espionage agents, BIS officers in Prague outed MI6's man in the Czech capital as a homosexual after discovering that the agent, Mr. Christopher Hurran, was living with another man in a cute little apartment near the Moldau river. Its decor is mostly Laura Ashley, though the fellows have livened up the sitting room with playful suggestions of a men's public lavatory. This story has legs! Iran celebrated the twentieth anniversary of its revolution with public prayer, military parades, and a surprising plenitude of pop music, signaling perhaps an easing of fundamentalist severity.

Unfortunately, Iranian newspapers still shy away from the women's lingerie ads that make the New York Times so popular, and local mullahs will not even talk about the latest Victoria's Secret catalogue. Russian President Boris Yeltsin's puckish sense of humor continues to sow confusion with misagelastic reporters. In fact, two hilarious jokes by President Yeltsin on February 18 and 19 actually were construed by Moscow reporters as signs of infirmity in the otherwise robust Russian president. On the eighteenth Mr. Yeltsin kidded them about making a threatening call to President Clinton over Kosovo, though no record of the call was found, and on the nineteenth, during a meeting with Germany's Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, President Yeltsin pretended that they had never met, though he had been introduced to the rather vain German just three months earlier. Ha, ha, that is a good one, Boris.

In Blacksburg, Virginia, a Virginia Tech fratemity's "Act Like Bill Clinton" dance ended unfortunately when four fraternity brothers were arrested for holding an exotic dancer against her will. A fifth student was charged with indecent exposure. Death claimed Dr. William McElroy, the world's leading authority on bioluminescence, which is to say, the gleam in a firefly's arse. In the 1950's Dr. McElroy paid schoolchildren 25 cents per hundred to collect fireflies for his research, and one greedy little creep abducted 37,ooo in a single month. …