What If Keenan Were a Surgeon? 'Breach of Contract Sew Up That Brain'

Article excerpt

I suppose it's a good thing Mike Keenan is a hockey coach and not, say, a neurosurgeon.

Mike Keenan, neurosurgeon. Think of it.

Keenan: "Scalpel . . . forceps . . . bonus check . . ."

Nurse: "Excuse me?"

Keenan: "That's it. I'm gone."

Nurse: "What . . . What do you mean?!"

Keenan: "Breach of contract. I'm outta here. Sew up that brain."

Nurse: "Wait! Where are you going?! You can't just walk out now!!"

Keenan: "Breach of contract. Late payment. Gotta go. Big money callin'."

Nurse: "But this man is dying!!"

Keenan: (singing) "I'm in the money! I'm in the money! I've got a lot of what it takes to get along!"

I guess it's also a good thing that Mike Keenan is not a hostage negotiator.

Think of it. Mike Keenan, hostage negotiator.

Terrorist: "Unless we get $10 million in gold bullion and safe passage to a private jet, we will blow up this building and everyone in it!"

Keenan: "You got it. There's just one snag."

Terrorist: "What is that?"

Keenan: "My bonus check."

Terrorist: "What?!"

Keenan: "Oh sure. `Let's meet the terrorists' demands.' Always the terrorists' demands. Well what about my demands?"

Terrorist: "Excuse me?!"

Keenan: "I guess I'm supposed to just stand here with my little bullhorn and donate my time."

Terrorist: "You don't seem to understand . . ."

Keenan: "No, you don't seem to understand. Me, the gold and the jet are taking a little trip to St. Louis together. How do you like them apples?"

Terrorist: "We will kill all these people!"

Keenan: "Real sorry. But I'm off the clock."

It's probably a good thing that Mike Keenan is not a wedding photographer.

Think of it. Mike Keenan, wedding photographer.

Keenan: "Say cheese!" (Click.)

Bride: "This is the most wonderful day of my life! I can't wait to get these pictures back!"

Groom: "Honey, I love you!"

Keenan: "Memories. They cost money. See ya."

Bride and Groom: "What?! Wait!"

Keenan: "Breach of contract. I'm going to shoot a wedding down the street for more money."

Bride: "What breach of contract?!"

Keenan: "A meal. The photographer gets dinner. Where is it?"

Groom: "But we haven't even started serving the other guests yet!"

Keenan: "Oh, and I suppose that's my fault? If you hadn't spent so much time hugging and kissing and mugging for the camera, maybe my stomach wouldn't be growling right now. …