"Be Not Deceived": The Sacred and Sexual Struggles of Gay and Ex-Gay Christian Men

By Michelle Wolkomir | Go to book overview

3
The Dilemmas of
Christian Men
Who Desire Men

One summer evening, after an Accept Bible study meeting, Chris and I stood in an apartment parking lot talking about childhood memories of the summer. At one point, he paused and then said, “You know, every once in a while it is still a little weird and scary to say the words ‘I am gay.’ I’m okay with it now, even glad, but still.” When I asked him why those words had been, and still could be, so difficult, he explained:

I did not want to be gay. It certainly wasn’t the plan. I didn’t
know a single gay person growing up. All I knew was that kids
at school called other kids “faggots” if they seemed at all
wimpy or different. It wasn’t a good thing to be. Mostly, I
wanted a good relationship with God, to be a good Christian,
and to lead a Christian life and have a wife and kids. I thought
being gay would end all that, so I stayed in denial about my
sexuality for a pretty long time and tried to push all those feel-
ings away. Finally, I had to admit it; I had to say the words ‘I
am gay.’ But I was also a Christian, and that is so important
to me. They didn’t go together. It was like—great, now what
do I do? Show me Lord.

Chris’s memories are poignant and recall a litany of powerful emotions surrounding the recognition of his homosexuality: fear, anxiety,

-39-

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