Memoir of a Visionary: Antonia Pantoja

By Antonia Pantoja; Henry A. J. Ramos | Go to book overview

Epilogue
Reflections and Ruminations

Writing these memoirs has been an integrating activity. As I come to the end of this adventure that I started two years ago, I contemplate the road traveled and find myself at peace, because of various reasons. First, the reflection and writing have allowed me to integrate many pieces of myself that had been disconnected. I have also been able to resolve many old issues. I understand and accept how I have felt about my mother and how she has felt about me. I have an understanding of why we were distant toward each other in a way that we could never correct prior to her death. Many issues of love and anger with my mother were addressed through these memoirs. I only wish that I could have had the opportunity to let her know that I saw her as an adventurous and brave woman who was ahead of her time. I wish that I could have told her that I admired her strengths and determination.

Another very important piece of the integrating process has been my ability to accept who I am, with my shortcomings and faults. I know that my faults and shortcomings have been carefully tied to my strengths. I know, for example, that I can be a Dionysian extremist who can immerse herself in the enjoyment of the senses. The Dionysian self has been kept under control by the builder of institutions and the careful planner, who is also me. I must confess that there has always been another part of me that I have not fully developed. This is the poet in me, who has been waiting for freedom and an opportunity for expression. During the writing of my memoirs, I searched my old files and I found my old poems. I have never shared them with anyone.

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