LIVING HERE TO HELP: ASK ANNA: Sex Doesn't Turn Me on Anymore; SHE'S THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

Sunday Mercury (Birmingham, England), July 27, 2003 | Go to article overview

LIVING HERE TO HELP: ASK ANNA: Sex Doesn't Turn Me on Anymore; SHE'S THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS


Q WE'VE been married six years now. I still fancy my husband and love him to bits and I believe he loves me.

But I've really gone off sex. I haven't regained any interest since my second pregnancy, after which I had an infection that meant we abstained for three months. Even then it was uncomfortable. Now I couldn't care less if we never did it again.

The trouble is, he's still dead keen. I do it because I'm afraid he'll run off with somebody a bit more eager.

He's suggested I go to the doctor to find out what's wrong, but I already have. He prescribed lubricants and, physically, I'm much better now.

I'd go to a counsellor, but there's no point in being told to try new positions or work myself up by wearing saucy underwear when I just don't have any urge left.

JULIE, Coventry

A YOU'RE by no means alone, Julie! Lack of libido is far more common than the media's focus on sex leads us to believe. Fatigue, job or family worries, or the discomforts of childbirth can all lower sex drive.

You're wrong, however, in thinking that sex counsellors only recommend trying different types of stimulus.

They sometimes recommend waiting as long as it takes for a reluctant partner to feel in the mood. Of course, they'll also suggest various alternative means of mood-enhancement, relaxation and sensual satisfaction.

Problems quite often stem from set expectations. You expect he wants sex whenever he touches you. He believes you expect him to. Both of you expect bliss every time. Real life just isn't like that!

Stick to kissing and cuddling for a while. Once you can relax and enjoy that, things will most likely progress naturally.

OBSESSION WITH LOOKS

Q I HAVE a friend whose husband is a very indulgent Sugar Daddy and she's had almost as many expensive cosmetic treatments as I've had hot dinners including a nose job, eye bags done, liposuction and Botox injections.

Now she's as thin as a stick insect and talking about having a breast reduction. Up to now, I've been sympathetic and tolerant about her image problem, but I think she's become obsessive about her appearance.

Her husband's no help. When I told him I was worried, he said: 'I know. She's a wicked little spendthrift, but what can I do?'

FIONA, Kidderminster

A IF he really wanted to help, Fiona, he could bankroll her first psychiatric consultation.

I suspect he quite likes her endless efforts to remain his 'little' girl and she knows what's needed to keep her Sugar Daddy happy. Even so, it's worrying that she's so ill at ease with her looks.

Dysmorphobia (the obsessive rejection of your own looks) is a psychiatric condition requiring professional treatment.

Your friend is unlikely to accept that this could possibly be her problem.

Beyond suggesting that her husband coaxes her towards a doctor, you can only offer reassurance.

I'M SICK OF PARTNER'S VIOLENCE

Q I'VE put up with my partner's violent tempers for two years. Now I'm sick of his excuses and apologies -and I'm not going to pass off my bruises as accidents.

He says I shouldn't make him jealous because he loves me too much to lose me. He's even jealous when I go to see my mum and my sisters. …

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LIVING HERE TO HELP: ASK ANNA: Sex Doesn't Turn Me on Anymore; SHE'S THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS
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