Faith or PMS? It's All a Matter of Choice; HE SAYS SHE SAYS

Manila Bulletin, August 19, 2003 | Go to article overview

Faith or PMS? It's All a Matter of Choice; HE SAYS SHE SAYS


Byline: CHICO AND DELAMAR

I am in my late 20s, I have a super sweet and thoughtful boyfriend and we have plans to get married next year. I belong to a religious community, a designated leader for a group of girls who also each head a celL group. I server regularly during Sunday services while my boyfriend also goes to mass every Sunday.

However, he has certain beliefs that clash with mine. For instance, pre-marital sex. We have been fighting about this for the longest time. I give in and feel terrible about serving on Sundays and being kinky the rest of the week. He feels that it?s an expression of love that should be practiced and enjoyed. I think so too, but i believe it would really be better if this is enjoyed within the context of marriage.

I give in because I also have urges which I am trying so hard to fight. I give in because like him, I also enjoy these moments (but I also try not to enjoy it too much and it?s driving me crazy). I can?t help thinking, at the back of my mind how much of a hypocrite I am, definitely not practicing what I preach and i feel terrible about it. I fear that my Lord is so disappointed with me, I fear that i have let my community down. (of course no one knows about this and they all think I?m the epitome of a decent, righteous woman, which all the more makes me feel like a cheat.)

My fiance now has a new complaint. He wants me to initiate the act for a change. I never did even thought I?d give in. I just don?t feel alright about it. What do you think I should do? He doesn?t really get mad, he just feels so unwanted and unloved because he is a very physical person and that?s one of the ways he shows his love and I do not reciprocate. ? Reluctant Lady

CHICO SAYS? Your two worlds are crashing headlong into each other and the worst thing you can do is to stand right in between them. You have two worlds ? one with the upright religious woman who follows stringently all the rules and is a leader in her church community, and the one with the woman who indulges in the things that make her feel good, which don?t always agree with the rules the other woman in the other world espouses.

What you have here is what my teacher in college referred to as cognitive dissonance. It?s when you do something contrary to what you actually feel. Whenever you?re in church doing your churchly duties, you feel bad because what you?re preaching isn?t exactly what you?re practicing. On the other hand, everytime you do your kinky stuff, you feel as if, in the words of the great philosopher Bette Midler, ?God is watching us, from a distance...?

Let me reserve my personal views on the opposing poles of your predicament and just give you what I feel is a closer look on the two sides. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with living the life of moral and religious uprightness, following zealously every letter of the law, providing you actually believe in them. What I find really sad are people who regularly walk this tightrope, because deep inside, they no longer believe in the product they are selling ? and that makes them really lousy salesmen.

Now, if you truly believed in the words that came out of your mouth, then you?d have no problems following the rules because you experience for a fact the potency of these tenets. On the other hand, many people also see nothing wrong with exploring sexuality in it?s many shapes and forms. This point of view sees the rules on sex merely as safeguards put there by society to curb many ills that come with indiscriminate toyings with these potentially dangerous acts, such as unwanted pregnancy, social diseases, among many.

But on its own, some people feel that there is nothing wrong with sex and exploring its endless possibilities. But again, this would only work if you believe in this point of view fully.

My suggestion? Choose between your two worlds. You can?t be the queen of one castle and have dalliances with the serfs of the next door kingdom.

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