Gay Men, Straight Lives: Like a Certain Governor, Many Gay Men Married to Women Are Now Coming out, Longing to Live the Life They've Been Missing

By Caldwell, John | The Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine), October 12, 2004 | Go to article overview

Gay Men, Straight Lives: Like a Certain Governor, Many Gay Men Married to Women Are Now Coming out, Longing to Live the Life They've Been Missing


Caldwell, John, The Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine)


On a second date in the early 1980s, Michael Sklar took his girlfriend to see Bloolips, a popular British show featuring gay men in drag, in Manhattan. Outside the theater his date told him that he seemed remarkably open-minded for a straight man. "That was my moment of opportunity," Sklar says. "I told her I wasn't exactly straight. I said, 'I think I'm bisexual.'"

His date wasn't surprised or upset. Instead she calmly pointed out that most of her rune friends from high school and college were gay. The pair continued dating, and within a couple of years they were married. Today, they live in New Jersey with their 15-year-old son. Sklar, now 46, describes himself as "a gay man in a straight marriage," but he has been thinking about leaving. "I'm approaching 50," he says. "How long do I wait before I start my real life? And how fair is riffs to my wife? We're best friends, but there's no intimacy in our relationship."

Some estimates put the number of gays and lesbians who have or have had a straight spouse at around 2 million nationwide. Gay men like Sklar who are 40 or older grew up at a time when they were expected to get married. They wanted careers, children, and the societal acceptance that came only with marriage to a woman.

However, with recent advances for gay rights, including the fall of sodomy laws and the legalization of same-sex marriage, many married gay men now see the possibility of a gay life that didn't exist before, and they are coming out and leaving their wives. Though he was seemingly forced out, the dramatic picture of New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey publicly announcing that he is gay, with his wife at his side, highlighted the phenomenon for the nation.

But there's a big price to be paid for coming out and ending a marriage. "A lot of times there is anger from the spouse and the children, and that has to be repaired over time," says Joni Lavick, director of mental health services at the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center. "But at a certain point many of these men overcome their own internalized homophobia and can't live a lie anymore. The pressure of keeping a secret is so great that dealing with what is going to happen is less toxic than staying in the closet."

When Sklar got married he didn't see a choice. "I grew up in a Jewish home," he says. "It was kind of expected that you get married and have children. Besides, I had been in relationships with men, and they didn't seem to work as well as my relationship with this woman. Also, in the early '80s there was still a freakish air about gay people. I was not going to be part of that hinge element."

Sklar's wife, whose name he declined to give, boasted about getting along better with gay men and was attracted to his "softer side." Throughout their marriage she has been OK with Sklar's dating men as long as be doesn't talk about it. "She says [my being gay] is just not that crucial to her," Sklar says. "She's much more concerned about the closeness and companionship [of our marriage]."

Sklar's story fits with his age, says David Leddick, author of The Secret Lives of Married Men. He interviewed 40 gay men, age 29 to 88, and broke them into three age groups: 40 and younger; 40 to 50; and 50 or older. People in the younger group were fluid in their treatment of sexuality, he says, and their reasons for getting married varied too greatly to define in simple terms. The middle age group, like Sklar and McGreevey, typically got married for what Leddick terms "socially responsible" reasons: Family and society expected it, so they did it. "And the older group really married for social advancement," he says. "Many of them married women of wealthy backgrounds whose families made it possible for them to have successful careers. And they had a whole thing about wanting to have children."

That was flue for Jim, who is currently married and declined to provide his last name. The 70-year-old resident of Massachusetts's Cape Cod was married right out of college because he wanted a career and a family. …

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