Sexual Desire, Communication, Satisfaction, and Preferences of Men and Women in Same-Sex versus Mixed-Sex Relationships

Holmberg, Diane, Blair, Karen L., The Journal of Sex Research

Chris and Terry recently met, fell in love, and are now launching into a sexual relationship together. What is the likely prognosis for this sexual relationship? How will they fare in terms of their subjective sexual experiences: their degree of sexual desire, sexual satisfaction, or comfort communicating openly about their sexuality? Clearly, many factors will affect the answers to these questions, but in this study we focus on one highly salient aspect--namely, the gender composition of the relationship. Would the prognosis for Chris and Terry's sexual relationship vary at all if they were both men, both women, or a man-woman pair?

Perhaps surprisingly, the answer to this relatively simple question is by no means clear. Past research comparing men and women in same-sex versus mixed-sex relationships (1) has tended to focus on issues surrounding sexual frequency, sexual exclusivity, and safe sex practices (for reviews, see Christopher & Sprecher, 2000; Kurdek, 1991; Peplau, Fingerhut, & Beals, 2004). More subjective aspects of sexuality, moving beyond "who does what with whom," have received relatively little attention.

It is important to understand these more subjective aspects of sexuality for at least three reasons. First, understanding the similarities and differences in subjective sexual experiences across groups would be informative to sex therapists and counsellors. If no clear information is available regarding normative sexuality within each group, there is a danger of holding up sexuality in mixed-sex relationships as the standard, and assuming that any deviation from those heterosexual norms is problematic. As one example, some therapists have sought to treat "lesbian bed death," a reduction in frequency of sexual activity in long-term lesbian couples (for critiques of this construct, see Iasenza, 2002; Nichols, 2004). However, if women in same-sex relationships were found to have as much, or even more, desire for sexual activity than women in mixed-sex relationships, then the focus of the issue shifts: Perhaps the "problem" is actually that women in mixed-sex relationships, at the instigation of their male partners, are having sex more frequently than they would ideally desire or with more emphasis on quantity over quality (see Klusmann, 2002; Leiblum, 2002). This is merely one example of how a better understanding of the subjective sexual experiences of all relationship types would help therapists to place findings for any one of those relationship types into an appropriate context.

Second, abetted by the media, some individuals' conceptions of gay and lesbian sexuality might be shaped by particularly dramatic examples (e.g., cruising culture, polyamorous relationships), leading to a belief that sexuality is enacted in very different ways amongst gay and lesbian, as compared to heterosexual, individuals. However, like heterosexuals (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, & Michaels, 1994), a majority of gay men (Lever, 1994) and lesbians (Lever, 1995) report currently experiencing their sexuality within an ongoing relationship with one other individual. Information on sexuality within such ongoing relationships might help to reduce stereotypes or misinformation, allowing individuals to appreciate the similarities across groups, and to develop a well-informed understanding of any differences that might exist.

Third, comparing all four groups (i.e., men and women in both same-sex and mixed-sex relationships) could potentially shine some light on important factors that shape sexuality for all. For example, the strongly gendered nature of sexuality would be highlighted if gender differences found in heterosexual populations were accentuated even more within same-sex relationships (note, such an accentuation of gendered patterns has in fact been found when examining sexual frequency and sexual exclusivity variables; Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). On the other hand, if gender differences found within heterosexual populations were to be attenuated for those in same-sex relationships (as has been found in some aspects of mating psychology; Bailey, Gaulin, Agyei, & Gladue, 1994), it would highlight the potential of androgenizing fetal hormone levels (Morris, Gobrogge, Jordan, & Breedlove, 2004), or subcultural messages of equality and avoidance of gender norms (Kurdek, 2004, 2005), to counteract traditionally gendered sexuality norms.

If those within same-sex relationships were to experience more sexual problems than those in mixed-sex relationships (e.g., poor sexual communication, reduced sexual satisfaction), it might highlight the important influence of the broader culture on couples' sexuality; for example, a relative paucity of culturally shared sexual scripts (Simon & Gagnon, 1986) might make it more challenging for same-sex couples to negotiate their sexuality. On the other hand, if those in same-sex relationships were to show sexual advantages compared to those in mixed-sex relationships, it could highlight the importance of couples' own construction of their sexual lives. For example, a deep familiarity with their partner's sexual anatomy, or the removal of any need to compromise with the other gender's sexual preferences, might make the development of a mutually satisfying sex life more straightforward for those in same-sex relationships.

Thus, there are a number of different patterns that might potentially be observed within the data when the sexuality of the four groups (i.e., men and women in mixed-sex and same-sex relationships) is compared. Knowing what pattern actually holds would be informative to sex therapists, and to all others wishing to move beyond stereotypes or assumptions regarding each group's sexuality. Unfortunately, almost no research has directly compared the subjective sexuality (e.g., sexual desire, communication, satisfaction, preferences) of all four groups within a single study, and differences in samples and methodologies make comparison of the groups across studies almost impossible. We briefly review what little is known from previous research.

Previous Empirical Findings

Sexual desire. Sexual desire can be defined as a drive or motivation to seek out sexual objects or to engage in sexual activities (Diamond, 2004). One clear finding is that men, on average, report experiencing higher levels of such desire than women (Baumeister, Catanese, & Vohs, 2001; Vohs, Catanese, & Baumeister, 2004). This gender difference is particularly strong when one considers desire for solitary sexual activity, such as masturbation, or desire for sex with a new and unfamiliar other (Oliver & Hyde, 1993). Within a relationship, Leiblum (2002) argued that it is more accurate to characterize women's sexual desire as more highly variable than men's. Women's desire can be just as strong as men's when they are appropriately aroused (Tolman & Diamond, 2001), but it is more vulnerable to disruptions by factors such as hormonal fluctuations, relational issues, and so on (Leiblum, 2002). Gender differences in sexual desire toward a partner still tend to be present, but are relatively small in magnitude (e.g., Davies, Katz, & Jackson, 1999), or hard to detect, given the high variability in women's scores.

Some research suggests that gay male couples have sex more frequently than heterosexual couples, whereas lesbians have sex less frequently (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). This finding could be interpreted to indicate that gender differences in sexual desire are accentuated within same-sex relationships. However, the finding might also plausibly be attributed to factors other than sexual desire, such as definitional differences in what constitutes "having sex" (Nichols, 2004), or an emphasis on quality of sex over quantity (Iasenza, 2002).

Previous research hints that gender differences in desire for casual sex, or sexual desire felt toward attractive others outside the relationship (Oliver & Hyde, 1993), might also be accentuated for those in same-sex relationships. Research suggests that gay men consistently emphasize sexual exclusivity less than heterosexual men (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983; Kurdek, 1991); there are also some indications lesbians may emphasize sexual exclusivity more than heterosexual women (Duffy & Rusbult, 1986), although that pattern is far from consistent (e.g., Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983).

To summarize, heterosexual men clearly report desiring sex (particularly solitary sex or sex with an unfamiliar partner) more than heterosexual women. There are indications that these gender differences might be accentuated within same-sex relationships, but the data there are far less clear. No previous study has directly compared all four groups' self-reported sexual desire.

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Publication information: Article title: Sexual Desire, Communication, Satisfaction, and Preferences of Men and Women in Same-Sex versus Mixed-Sex Relationships. Contributors: Holmberg, Diane - Author, Blair, Karen L. - Author. Journal title: The Journal of Sex Research. Volume: 46. Issue: 1 Publication date: January-February 2009. Page number: 57+. © 2007 Taylor & Francis Group, LLC. COPYRIGHT 2009 Gale Group.

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