One Freudian Football Mystery Solved, Plenty More to Go

By Davies, Hunter | New Statesman (1996), September 19, 2011 | Go to article overview

One Freudian Football Mystery Solved, Plenty More to Go


Davies, Hunter, New Statesman (1996)


So soon in the season and yet already so many mysteries. How did England get ranked fourth in the world ? Obviously a computer mistake, or some hacker has broken in for a laugh.

Why are they always rubbish at Wembley? The answer is that the Wembley fans are not football fans, they are celeb spotters on a family outing, hoping, fingers crossed, they will see Becks or similar. They get restless otherwise, which transfers to the players, who get nervous. Real fans, following their fave club every week, will support till they are blue in the face and body - naked top half anyway - shouting "We're gonna win 9-8" with two minutes to go and 0-8 down.

What did Capello mean when he said, "He is big, he needs to play games, games, games" when talking about Andy Carroll? I thought at first it was an interesting physiological theory, that big players need more action to keep fit while smaller players can manage on less. Turned out that by big he meant fat. Cheeky beggar.

No, the big mystery that has so far not been properly explained concerns Andreas Whittam Smith, the new manager of Chelsea, oh God, what a mistake, I mean Andre Villas-Boas. His name has confused the commentators who either mumble it quickly or use his initials AVB, which is a bit of a mouthful in itself.

I prefer to refer to him as Mr Goodhouses as I recognised at once the derivation of his two surnames. Forty years ago, when we lived in Portugal, I bought a set of Portugese Lingaphone records, about 24 of them, 45s I think, and if I have to explain what a 45 was we'll never get on. The records and accompanying book took up half a room and were useless, or at least I was useless.

The mystery about Mr Goodhouses is why he squats on the touchline at certain stages in a game. The bench is a pretty hopeless place from which to see the game anyway, as your view is so limited, so distorted by the camber of the pitch, yet is he making it worse by getting down on his haunches or his hunkers, as they say in Scotland.

Could he be a foot fetishist ? That would be the reason he wants a good view of all the legs and feet. …

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One Freudian Football Mystery Solved, Plenty More to Go
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