Letters to the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives

By Pollitt, Katha | The Nation, April 2, 2001 | Go to article overview

Letters to the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives


Pollitt, Katha, The Nation


Honored Infidel,

In the near future we plan to expand our faith-based initiative, Holy Terror Sandblasting and Demolition Corp. New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani finds much merit in our proposal for a workfare program in which homeless people (men only, naturellement!) would be trained in medieval theology, art criticism and the use of explosives. Please send dollars and the floor plan of the Brooklyn Museum. Or else.

Thanks,
The Taliban

Dear Professor DiIulio,

With medical costs going through the roof, you'd think there'd be a better way. And now, with the Lord's help, there is! Our idea is to buy up struggling inner-city hospitals and turn them into profit centers--no doctors, no nurses, no fancy-shmancy machines and best of all, no messy malpractice suits. Just the blessed healing power of prayer, provided 24 hours a day at bedside by recovering drug addicts as part of their therapy. It's total win-win--the government saves, the patient is saved--if not in this world, the next. And that's the world that counts, right?

Rev. Tommy Johnson
Pentecostal Holiness Church, Memphis, TN

Dear Director,

People say communism is just another religion, and they're right! We have everything the other faiths have--an all-encompassing worldview, sacred texts, meetings (and how!), schisms, excommunications and declining numbers and influence. We'd like to reverse that last item with funding for our workfare proposal: First, we provide welfare mothers a crash course in job readiness, parenting skills and the works of Karl Marx. Then, we get them jobs in daycare centers, where they pass their new "faith" on to the next generation, hopefully in time for the stock market crash. Don't count us out--a god that failed is still a god.

Call us,
The Communist Party, USA

Dear Brother in Christ,

Did you know the Chicago Archdiocese has an exorcist on staff? Our faith-based initiative, The Exercist[TM], would get this superbly trained but underutilized man out of the apse and into the community, where he'd help the so-called mentally ill get their sillies out with a carefully graduated low-impact aerobic workout that goes beyond head swiveling and projectile vomiting to get at the real nitty-gritty of diabolical possession! Then, everyone cools down with a sharing session, novena and group hug: because admitting you're possessed by the Devil is half the cure!

Hope to hear from you soon,
Msgr. George O'Reilly

Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago

Dear Prof.

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