Doctor Vernon's Casebook

The People (London, England), January 26, 2003 | Go to article overview
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Doctor Vernon's Casebook


Byline: DR VERNON COLEMAN

Is fiancee too flash for me?

Q

MY girlfriend is an exhibitionist. She often goes clubbing wearing a very short skirt and no underwear. She loves it when men whistle at her and every time we go into our local pub she ends up dancing and flashing her boobs.

We're supposed to be getting married in nine months time but when I told her that I don't think this sort of behaviour is suitable for a married woman she went berserk and threw my ring back at me.

A

YOU are wrong to expect your fiancee to change just because you're getting married.

If you try to force her to change you will put an unbearable strain on your marriage.

Reassure yourself with the knowledge that she will change over the years. She's unlikely to want to flash her boobs or go out knickerless when she's in her 80s. She'll probably feel the cold more then.

Q

MY best pal got a new job two weeks ago. He went on a four-day course to sell life insurance but says he is now a "financial consultant". Another friend, who is a second-hand car salesman, describes himself as a "specialist in previously owned vehicles".

A

CHANGING the label doesn't change what is in the box. A spade is still a spade, a rat catcher is still a rat catcher and a social worker is still a bloody nuisance.

Q

I AGREE with you that Britain has no reason to start a war against Iraq. But Blair seems determined to start an unjust war which the people don't want.

A

POLITICIANS have lost touch with the electorate. Most voters oppose the EU. But all main parties support the EU. Most citizens are opposed to war against Iraq. But the main parties support a war. The electors want hunting stopped. But the main parties ignore them. Voters have become disenfranchised. We need a new political party that understands - and responds to - what we, the electors, really want.

Q

MY doctor has told me that I'm suffering from irritable bowel syndrome. But he hasn't told me what to do about it. He wanted to prescribe tranquillisers but my mother was hooked on those for 19 years (and only got off them with the help of your book) so I firmly said No to that.

A

IRRITABLE bowel syndrome is usually caused by stress and dietary problems. You need to relax and cut out avoidable stress and you may need to adjust your diet by, for example, cutting out dairy produce. Phone my advice line How To Control Irritable Bowel Syndrome on 0901 560 7857 for more advice (charges at foot of facing page).

Q

MY husband and I have a very active sex life. Now my husband wants to expand our repertoire and try a sex act we've never done before. I'm game but worried about whether or not it is legal.

A

ARE you planning to do this in public? Have the authorities installed CCTV cameras in your bedroom? Is one of you going to snitch on the other? For specific advice, call my special phone line on Forbidden Sex on 0901 560 7854 (charges at foot of facing page).

Q

ALL the bad news in the world makes me feel miserable.

A

MAKE a list of 10 reasons why you should be happy. Pin it up in the bathroom.

Q

MY daughter was recently bitten by a dangerous dog. Now she is scarred for life. She was the third child to bitten by this animal (which has now been destroyed) but the owner only received a small fine and was clearly unrepentant. He has two other dangerous dogs.

A

IT seems unfair to punish dogs which bite people. That's what dogs do. In circumstances such as the ones you describe it is surely the owner - not the dog - who should be destroyed. Our streets and parks are becoming increasingly over-run with dangerous dogs but this is the fault of the owners, not the dogs.

Q

MY wife suggests that instead of being fined, football hooligans should be made to shuffle around town every Saturday evening wearing pink winceyette nightgowns and pink fluffy slippers.

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