He Spent, She Spent ; Married Couples Who Resolve Personal-Finance Issues Can Help Keep Their Union a Going Concern
Jennifer Wolcott writer of The Christian Science Monitor, The Christian Science Monitor
In college, when Lisa Concepcion and Alex Giassa shared a pizza, they'd take turns picking up the tab. Now that Lisa and Alex are married, decisions are no longer limited to plain cheese, pepperoni, or whose turn it is to pay. A large chunk of every paycheck from their full-time, public-relations jobs goes toward the mortgage and furnishings for their new home. But those carefree days at Rutgers University gave them a taste of the teamwork required in marriage, says Ms. Giassa.
The Giassas now pool their earnings into one joint account, which covers household expenses. And, because each of them makes a "decent dime," they have individual accounts as well. "This arrangement works great, but is often controversial," Giassa says, explaining that her mother isn't timid about voicing her opinion. " 'What's the point of getting married?' " she'll ask. "I guess we're pretty modern," says Giassa, "but it's best this way. We see each other as equals, and we are also a team."
The Giassa's arrangement is actually more common today than her mother might think. But, of course, there are many variations. Some couples prefer to share all their money. Others want to stay separate down to the last dime. One thing is certain, though: Money issues can be a source of tension in any marriage, but those couples who work as a team and communicate openly, honestly, and frequently about finances are often happier.
Take it from Elliot Cohan, who has been counseling couples for 30 years. "Before you hook up," advises Mr. Cohan, "it's critical to discover 'how important is money to your honey?' Does it matter that you earn more than he does or vice versa? What are your prospective partner's financial goals? Is he or she a spender or saver? Is he or she generous or cheap? Is money viewed as power or love?"
After consulting your intuition, observing closely, and having a few initial talks, it's time to roll up your sleeves and get down to the nitty-gritty. This can't happen early enough, says family- finance expert Terry Savage, who often appears on CNN, CNBC, and public-television's "The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer."
"When planning to get married, couples talk about religion, sex, politics, and even pick names for their kids, but they don't talk about money!" Ms. Savage says, incredulously.
In those early discussions, she adds, couples must strategize about everything from banking and saving (will they have joint, separate, or both types of accounts) to how they will afford retirement (set mutual goals and a plan for reaching them).
Lifestyle expectations must also be discussed. "If one spouse is going to work part time, stay at home raising children, or become an entrepreneur without a regular paycheck, you'll have to restructure your expectations," Savage says. "Valuing contributions to a marriage means you'll have to look beyond dollars and cents.
"Problems arise when one person comes to the marriage with savings or investments, and the other brings a pile of past debts," she says, advising: "Before the ceremony, figure out if the 'saver' is willing to subsidize the 'spender,' and if the 'spender' is willing to commit to a plan of paying off those debts."
As newlyweds, Denise and Michael Panco weren't burdened by heavy debt, but they did have to face their differences after buying their first home left them "officially broke."
"He was used to paying the minimum, so he had more money for 'today,' whereas I was working at making 'tomorrow' easier by paying off my debts earlier," Ms. Panco explains.
In their 20s, the Pancos are learning to work better as a team. "I have friends who have divorced because they thought marriage was a way to be taken care of," she says, "but we've learned that it takes two people working and contributing. …