Rooting out Government Leakers

By Purcell, Tom | Tribune-Review/Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, July 13, 2013 | Go to article overview

Rooting out Government Leakers


Purcell, Tom, Tribune-Review/Pittsburgh Tribune-Review


The name is Monday. Agent Monday. I have an important job to do.

Back in 2011 President Obama issued an executive order to root out security violators within the federal government -- people like Edward Snowden, our most recent leaker of government secrets.

The president ordered federal employees to report suspicious activities among their co-workers -- any unusual behaviors, strange attitudes, financial troubles or unprecedented travel common to people who sell or leak secrets, the lousy rats.

I am the lead agent in charge of investigating such people. My phone has been ringing off the hook.

My first call took me to the Department of Health and Human Services. The people there have been interpreting Obama's massive 2,700 page health care law to write new regulations. It has ballooned to 20,000 pages of mandates and penalties that weigh 300 pounds and stand 7 feet tall.

"One of our employees read through every page and he's been acting odd ever since," a bureaucrat told me. "He worried that the new rules will bankrupt the country."

"He leak this information to anyone?"

"No," said the bureaucrat. "When he tried to sneak the stack of regulations out the door, it fell on him, causing his unfortunate demise."

"Serves him right," I said, smiling.

Just as I settled the ObamaCare case, my phone rang. An employee was acting out of line at the IRS.

"She has been coming in early and staying late," said the IRS bureaucrat. "We've never seen anything like it."

"Has she been targeting, harassing and auditing conservatives?" I said.

"No."

"Does she spend money lavishly on expensive conferences and silly training videos?"

"No," said the bureaucrat. "That's the problem. She refuses to do so. What a killjoy."

"Sounds like someone who is planning to sing."

"Unless someone makes it look like she was embezzling funds and her reputation is ruined? …

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