Jesus Christ: Soft on Crime

By Rivenbark, Celia | Winnipeg Free Press, October 6, 2012 | Go to article overview
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Jesus Christ: Soft on Crime

Rivenbark, Celia, Winnipeg Free Press

Imagine the attack ads if he ran for office today

Jesus is in the news thanks to a recently discovered scrap of papyrus that appears to contain written proof he was married.

Noted biblical scholars have examined the business-card sized scrap covered with ancient script and have verified that it says: "Jesus said to them, "My wife..." The rest is indecipherable. Probably because a certain Someone didn't use a coaster, just sayin'.

Oh, settle down. I'm a big fan of Jesus, arguably the greatest liberal who ever lived what with all that "tolerance" and "forgiveness" and incessant desire to "take care of those less fortunate." I mean, if Jesus were running for office today, he'd be accused in the TV ads of being "soft on crime" by that voice-over guy with the perpetual snarl in his voice. The personal attacks would be almost too easy. ("He claims to be a family man but look who Jesus Christ is hanging around these days... a PROSTITUTE!") His miracles would be further fodder for the attack ads: "He turned water into wine and then (big snarl) said his mother asked him to do it. Jesus Christ: Soft on crime, water into wine. Pals around with prostitutes."

I'm sure Jesus's command to his disciples to "Follow me" would've been taken out of context, too.

(Radio ad): "Jesus Christ wants you to follow him but if you ask him where you're going, he says to just trust him. Jesus Christ: He sounds like a Scientologist."

Big business would launch a huge smear campaign against Jesus for wanting to protect the planet by being a good steward of the Earth.

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