Post Scripts

The Saturday Evening Post, July/August 1996 | Go to article overview

Post Scripts


August's Sweet Misery

Cat can't wait to flop; Even grasshoppers won't hop. Birds are at the bath; No rain, no cool aftermath: Dog days are here! -Beverly Newton

Logrolling into Eternity General McArthur said, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away!"

Others I have heard: Old lawyers never die, They just lose their appeal. Old college presidents never die,

They just lose their faculties. Old fishermen never die, They just smell that way. Old burglars never die, They just steal away. Old quarterbacks never die, They just pass on. Old gardeners never die, They just kick the bucket. Old mediums never die, They just give up the ghost.

-J.R. Webb, Jr.

Seconds, Anyone?

A truck driver was asked about the food at a certain truck stop along his busy route. "The food is terrible there," he said. "The mashed potatoes are watery, the green beans are tasteless, the roast beef is tough, the apple pie is limp and leathery, and the coffee tastes like dishwater. But worst of all, they serve such small portions!"

-Herm Albright

Where the Boys Are

Most women do the cooking, but What I have found bewitchin' Is that, at every party, men All gather in the kitchen.

-Dick Emmons

Running Wild

I couldn't resist the impulse to ask a jogger: "The leg bone connected to the...headphone?"

-Troy Dickson

I Meant to Do That

An optimist is a person caught in a revolving door who pinches his fingers, stubs his toes, bangs his head, and disjoints his nose . . . and keeps believing there is a graceful way out.

-Dean Redman

It's Good for You, Really

It is more blessed to give than to receive, and that is particularly true of unsolicited advice.

-Ron Zeh

Historical Bias

Disagreeing with a statement made by the then-Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin, Winston Churchill declared emphatically, "History will say that the Right Honourable Gentleman was wrong in this matter." After a brief pause he added, "I know it will, because I shall write the history."

Time to Change the Channel

Abe Lincoln was right when he stated that a house divided cannot stand-and this was long before there was bickering over the TV remote control. …

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