The physical abuse often followed emotional abuse--tirades and put-downs
that left Sally feeling worthless. Ray had had several affairs with other women
and had neglected and rejected her and their children. He had humiliated Sally
in front of others and consistently blamed her for the violent incidents. "It was
always my fault," she explained to me tearfully. "I provoked him. It was because
of what I had done. And he never apologized. Never once during all of the
abuse did he ever apologize. He never bought me anything to make up for the
hurt he caused me. He was never, ever remorseful. It was always him trying to
maintain control and make it seem as if it was all my fault. And you know, for
a long time, I believed him. Somehow I thought it was my fault.

"But once our youngest child left for college," Sally continued, "I was terri-
fied. He kept threatening me. I felt like an animal--like I was being kept in a
cage in my own home. 'I'm going to get you," he kept saying under his breath.
'Now I'm really going to get you. And there won't be anyone here to stop me.'"

Yet no one except her children (who had witnessed only a few of the phys-
ical and emotional attacks) knew about the abuse until after Sally filed for di-
vorce. Not once had she called the police to report the attacks. Everyone
thought that Sally and Ray had a good marriage. But within their large and
magnificently appointed home, the site of the fabulous dinner events Sally
staged, existed a brutal and life-threatening truth that Sally had kept hidden.
It was the jarring finality of her physical losses, which she had to accept when
her doctor informed her that the damage to her eardrum and jaw were irre-
versible, that motivated Sally to get out, get help, and "go public" about the
secret torture she had tolerated for far too long.

When we think of love and marriage, we do not think about domestic vio-
lence. Moonlight and roses are not supposed to turn into beatings and threats
upon one's life. Yet, four million women nationwide are victims of domestic
violence per year. ² Every twelve seconds a woman suffers this sort of abuse at
the hands of a husband or lover. ³

And when we think of domestic violence, we do not think about women
of means. Despite occasional sensational news stories of upscale or celebrity
women falling prey to a maniacal mate--Tina Turner, for example, or Pamela
Anderson--the public overwhelmingly assumes that domestic violence is
confined to couples with little education and few resources. And unfortu-
nately most statistics support this belief.

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