The owner of a Bangladeshi grocery store leaned over the counter, his face
serious. "Here," he said, "100 percent of Bangladeshis get divorced, not like
at home." No, of course he didn't mean himself and his wife. "I am not
here," he said. "What I mean is, we've only been here five years; we may go
back at any time. Those others, who've been here longer or who mean to
stay, they're the ones who get divorced." Like him, many South Asian im-
migrants feel the negative aspects of American life looming so large that they
do not really see themselves as "here."

The perception that being in the United States heightens family problems
for South Asian immigrants is a common one. At a 1996 International Is-
lamic Unity conference in Los Angeles, a workshop on "Binding the Muslim
Family in the West" addressed other ways of dealing with the problems. A
woman speaker was especially instructive and provoked a lively discussion.
The daughter of an immigrant father, a medical practitioner and an outstand-
ing leader of Islamic women's activities in southern California, she spoke of
the need to give serious consideration to marriage, the need for premarital
consultation between the partners to ensure compatibility, and the need to
write a good marriage contract for both husband and wife, because such
contracts are legally binding in U.S. courts. She spoke movingly of two
principles to create and preserve a strong Muslim family: respect and flexi-
bility. She said children should be wanted and should always be listened to
and shown respect, disciplined firmly but not physically. When young, they

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