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The irates of Penzance

A SALTY old sea dog from Cornwall is planning a raid on the Tower of London - by boat.

Penzance fisherman Mick Mahon intends to chug the whole way round the South Coast of England, up the Thames and under Tower Bridge, to post a copy of the Maastricht and Nice Treaties through Traitors' Gate.

'We're just at the planning stage,' roars the gloriously politically incorrect Mahon from the decks of his 29ft stern trawler, the J-Anne.

The trip will be done in the name of the UK Independence Party, which Mahon supports with all the might of his Captain Birdseye beard.

'We'll be coming via Brixham, Cowes, Portsmouth, Brighton and Dover,' continues Mahon, who has little in common with that other great sailor, Sir Edward Heath.

Indeed, if you mention Heath's name you get the most violent, timber- shivering crepitation.

'I've already had contact with Thames boatmen and they are talking about escorting me up the river with a flotilla of small boats,' says Mahon, who will not yet disclose the exact date for his arrival at Traitors' Gate.

He must first give the J-Anne a good swab-down.

At present she smells rather strongly of sardines - as fishy, you could say, as the European Commission.

Bridesmaid on bridle path

ONE of the Princess of Wales's bridesmaids is saddling up for a 270-mile ride through Namibian bandit country. Sarah-Jane Gaselee (above) will be travelling from Duwisib to L[superscript one]deritz - via the badlands of the diamond region - on a Hanoverian, a sturdy, low-maintenance breed.

Just one problem: Sarah Jane, 31, is allergic to horse hair. 'I'll certainly be packing the antihistamines with the cappuccino sachets,' she tells me.

The ride will raise money for London's Breast Cancer Care charity. The late Princess would certainly approve. And Sarah-Jane's abiding memory of That Wedding? Processing down the aisle and spotting Michael Foot, then leader of the Labour Party. 'He was reading a newspaper,' she recalls, still chortling at the thought.

BRITISH climbers in the Swiss Alps may have lost their crampon grips the other day. As a low-flying aeroplane shot past, the pale face in the cockpit was recognisable as that of Gerald Howarth, Tory MP for Aldershot and shadow defence minister. …