Have Yourself a Pentagon Xmas

Article excerpt

'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house The Special Forces team was inserted As quiet as a mouse.

If you want to "wow" the kids this Yuletide, here are some "Hot as Depleted Uranium Toys for a New Imperial Age" that will make their eyes gleam.

What would the holidays be without little muscularized molded-plastic dolls holding big guns in a kung-fu battle grip? Now, thanks to Blue Box International, your child can pilot Air Force One into Baghdad with Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush, the greatest American hero, dolled up in naval aviator regalia--a fully posable 12" action figure in "g-pants." For only an extra $29.95 (plus shipping and handling) your child can feed the troops a turkey dinner using the George W. Bush Talking Action Figure, the aviator's civilian counterpart, clad in the more traditional Republican dark suit and red power tie. He spouts 17 phrases, including the apropos Bushism "working hard to put food on your family." And that's only the beginning!

Just imagine your son holding his own news conference with the Donald Rumsfeld Talking Action Figure ($29.99 plus shipping and handling). Press his button and catch 28 different phrases, including the classic: "I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said. But I know what I think. I assume that's what I said."

Little Heroes need Villains, of course. For a modest $39.95 get 'em the Talking DOA Uday, a dual-headed action figure of Saddam Hussein's son that speaks the words, in a genuine faux-Middle Eastern accent, "Someone must help me. I ... I am still alive, only I am very badly burned."

Or how about Babbling Osama the Dirty Terrorist? "Get your very own talking terrorist.... Listen to him babble his terrorist nonsense," says manufacturer Hero Builders, which also cautions, "Don't be fooled by other cheap imitations not made by Americans."

Sacre bleu! Direct from Gay Paree, here comes Talking Le Worm, an action figure that bears a striking (but surely coincidental) resemblance to Jacques Chirac. A perfect gift for every child who holds a grudge against America's true enemy: France! Tell the French exactly what you think of them for just $35.95!

Parents of the older child should forsake sheer jingoistic fun for something more educational. …