Competition: Win Vouchers to Spend at Any TESCO Store

Article excerpt

Competition No 3828

Set by Gavin Ross, 19 April

You were asked for spoof advice on dealing with terrorists or terrorism.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Wonderful. [pounds sterling]5 book tokens for the one-liners. [pounds sterling]20 to the three winners. Ian Birchall also gets the Tesco vouchers.

As the Daily Mail has pointed out, if you sleep eight hours a day, then you have a one-in-three chance of being killed by a terrorist outrage while asleep. If we sleep only four hours a day, that possibility is halved. And think what it would do for national productivity and morale.

Be particularly cautious on public transport. Things are not always what they seem. What do you call a person who keeps their luggage with them at all times? A suicide bomber.

Terrorists are subtle. They don't appear in public as loud-mouthed fanatics. Take Mr H, a pillar of the local Conservative Association and well-known for his attachment to law and order. But checks show that his father was an asylum-seeker. Just the sort of person who might be a terrorist mastermind.

Never surrender. If a terrorist bomb goes off near you, just keep standing and refuse to bleed. And remember, the use of violence will never triumph. After all, how did we win the Second World War?

IAN BIRCHALL

In case you are fortunate enough to be taken hostage, make sure you have about your person a suitable supply of comestibles with which to barter. Tinned fruit and Spam will be welcome, which means that you should also carry something sharp to open it, which will make your captors especially well-disposed to you. Video cassettes are also likely to be appreciated. Don't take brand new ones--why not take all those old recordings you'll never get around to watching (Lawrence of Arabia, How the West Was Won, Exodus--be honest, you'll never find the time, will you?). Fellow hostages should also be borne in mind. Take some uplifting fiction to read aloud. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich is a jolly book at bedtime.

Conditions may be strictly one-star, so make sure you also carry a pillow and an inflatable mattress. …