Land of Ho Hope &Glory! BRITS ARE QUICK WITH THE QUIPS

Article excerpt

Byline: DERHAM O'NEILL

EVER been lost for a line or short of a retort? Well, help is at hand with Brit Wit, a new guide to quality quips and rapier ripostes. From the Duke of Wellington to Eddie Izzard, our nation has a rich history of making droll one-liners. Here DERHAM O'NEILL picks out some of the best...

My wife's a

sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Les Dawson

For a long time

I thought coq au vin meant love in a lorry.

Victoria Wood

Girls are like

pianos.. if they're not upright, they're grand

Benny Hill

There are two types of

women in this world - those who like chocolate and complete bitches

Dawn French

INSULTS

When they circumcised Herbert Samuel they threw away the wrong bit.

David Lloyd George, statesman (1863-1945)

I fart in your general direction.

French Soldier in Monty Python And The Holy Grail

So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.

Alan Bennett, dramatist, on US socialite Arianna Stassinopolous

LOVE, MARRIAGE AND SEX

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

Oscar Wilde, author (1854-1900)

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.

Film star Sean Connery

Marriage has many pains but celibacy has no pleasures.

Writer Samuel Johnson (1709-84)

'My wife and I married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience'

Tommy Cooper

WORK AND MONEY

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

James M Barrie, writer (1860-1937)

People say I wasted my money. I say 90 per cent went on women, fast cars and booze. The rest I wasted.

George Best, footballer

ADVICE

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.

Quentin Crisp, author (1908-1999)

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Comic Eddie Izzard

I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself

Oscar Wilde

'We can't stand here doing nothing. People will think we're workmen'

Spike Milligan

RELIGION

What would I like the sermon to be about vicar? I would like it to be about 10 minutes.

The Duke of Wellington, soldier and politician (1769-1852)

VICES AND VIRTUES

I don't have a drug problem. I have a police problem.

Keith Richards, musician.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) on Sir Stafford Cripps

WRITING

Only a mediocre writer is always at his best.

Author W Somerset Maugham (1874-1965)

I know I was writing stories at five. I don't know what I did before that. …