Hurrah for Wayne: Hunter Davies Is Back from His Hols to Find Rooney the Only Bright Spot in a Dull Month

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Hold on a wee minute, trying to get my scarf right before I start. I feel cold, after three weeks in the West Indies, so I've put it on while I crank up the old Amstrad PCW9512.

Amazingly, it still works. When it does pack up, it's going straight to the V & A.

I got a very nice long stripy scarf from Santa, so I thought, I know, I'll wear it like Beckham and Jose. I had thought their scarves were specially made to hang in that trendy way. Then, on my return, I saw Glenn Roeder, Newcastle's manager, standing on the touchline wearing his scarf the same way. Which was a larf. He's the least fashionable manager on the planet. Even Big Sam, in his suits and shirts that never quite fit, is roughly of the modern age, say 1980s. Roeder's look is strictly 1940s demob outfit, with haircut and sticky-out ears to match.

Glenn, or his missus, had clearly made a big effort to tie his scarf in the fashionable way for the telly--but he'd got it all wrong. It was strangling him. The scarf was too short and woolly. They need to be long and thin, like mine.

Ah, I now think I've got it. The secret is to double it, put it round your neck, pushing the loose ends through the loop, then pull it tight.

Yes, I had a good hol, thanks for asking, but as ever it's so weird being back, mainly cos nothing has happened. All that January transfer excitement, which filled the back pages for weeks, has turned out to be a nonsense. None of the top clubs bought anyone, while the struggling clubs bought lumps, old sweats you expect to get bought and sold at this time of the year, because they are cheap and available, like Ben Thatcher (Man City to Charlton) or David Unsworth (Sheffield United to Wigan). The only interesting transfer has been Ashley Young, from Watford to Villa. …