You Talk S***, Mervyn No 4039

Article excerpt

Set by Gavin Ross

Gordon Brown is a self-confessed fan of Ian Rankin and Raymond Chandler. So we asked you to send in excerpts from these authors, with Gordon as a hardbitten Rebusor Marlowe-type figure dealing with the vicissitudes of being Prime Minister

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done. Hon menshes to Barry Baldwin, Alanna Blake, Ian Birchall and Nigel Evans. The winners get [pounds sterling]20 each, with the overall top dog getting the extra Tesco vouchers. I mean Bill Greenwell.

The rain in Downing Street came down like a guilty verdict. The front-door cop spat in the gutter, where someone had dropped a Pepsi can. It washed as far as a drain grid before sticking as if it had received a mortal kick in the teeth.

That was me, Gordon Brown, ace politician and economics wizard. At least I was until Phoney Tony painted me into the frame.. He had more twists than an anaconda, his wife was as out to lunch as Michael Jackson and his idea of Mr Integrity was Peter Mandelson.

Mandelson. Chugging Krug in Brussels while the world got on my case and I couldn't get.on anyone's.

Except maybe one person.

Lifting the phone, I dialled Prudence's number.

Report by Ms de Meaner

Basil Ransome-Davies

It was hot in Baghdad and David five star goddam General of Iraq Petraeus wanted more soldiers. British soldiers. I was talking about intensifying the economic infrastructure but he wasn't listening.

The door opened behind me.

"Who's that," he asked.

"It's my Foreign Secretary."

"What happened to the guy with the shrunken head?"

"He died."

"Uh, well listen, no hard feelings but Tony wrote the cheque for this one before he left the company and all we're doing is asking you to honour it. …