Here's More Proof That Comedy Isn't Pretty

Article excerpt

Byline: Carleton Bryant, THE WASHINGTON TIMES

Today is the start of Daylight Saving Time. If that's news to you, then it's later than you think.

I hate the start of Daylight Saving. Setting my clock ahead an hour makes me feel like I'm being robbed of something precious - an hour's worth of sleep. It makes me an hour older before I'm ready to accept the idea.

The idea behind Daylight Saving is that people will use less energy because they'll turn their lights on an hour later in the evenings. What I find is that I turn my lights on an hour earlier in the mornings to avoid stumbling around in the dark.

But that's just me. I'm sure the government knows what it's doing.

***

I saw a story the other day about how some state governments are thinking about doing away with executions in order to save money.

Death penalty cases take longer to try, require more lawyers and generate more appeals - factors that can cost states millions of dollars for each case over several years.

So Maryland, Montana and New Mexico are said to be close to banning executions. And Colorado, Kansas, Nebraska and New Hampshire are considering similar legislation.

Then I overheard this conversation in a Maryland penitentiary (mostly in my head):

Death-row inmate: So I guess this is it, huh? You're going to execute me.

Corrections official: Oh, no. We don't do that anymore.

Death-row inmate: No? Why? Too much opposition based on moral principle?

Corrections official: Nope.

Death-row inmate: Fear about the possibility of executing an innocent convict?

Corrections official: Nah.

Death-row inmate: Concerns about the societal effects of retributive justice?

Corrections official: Huh? No, nothing like that. It's just that killing somebody costs a lot of money. You know, all the legal stuff and whatnot. Frankly, we're amazed you could afford to do it.

Death-row inmate: Well, I did take out a federal loan. And I saved a bit on my own.

Corrections official: Thought it had to be something like that. If we could get some of that bailout money, you'd be toast.

Death-row inmate: Whew! That's a relief! So what you gonna do instead?

Corrections official: Well, basically, we're gonna house you, feed you, clothe you and give you free health care. That oughta teach you a lesson.

Death-row inmate: I feel smarter already.

***

Famous quotations, appended for our times:

* Neither a borrower nor a lender be, unless you do it with taxpayer money.

*These are the times that try men's souls - and put a hurtin' on their underwear.

* Nothing is certain but death and taxes; however, bailouts are nothing to sneeze at.

* The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. …