Making a Mountain of a Molehill

Article excerpt

SO, TABLE Mountain is to become one of the Seven New Wonders of the World. I'm shocked. Far be it from me to engage in the species of poltroonery and PR hacking whereby that oppressive blob of real estate will allegedly draw zillions of new tourists to "the best little whorehouse in Africa".

But Robben Island should surely win - particularly if restored to its pristine function of torturing Islamic terrorists using code phrases such as "friend me" on Facebook.

And I do think Cape Times writer Tony Weaver's suggestion that first consideration be given to fynbos, fruit bats and baboons is a can short of a sixpack. There could be improvements to the berg.

Stand on the lip of the mountaintop and you can peer down and see the windblown 2010 Soccer World Cup stadium - a convenient dog bowl if we kept really huge dogs. But what if you fall or jump off? Or get mugged? It won't impress the restive cannabis addicts of Amsterdam to learn that the upper cable car station is a convenient rendezvous for suicides. They're already depressed.

Having once muddily slid down a kloof and stuffed up my knee, I know the existential horror and pain while your indifferent doggies frolic and play in the woods. Funiculars on the mountainside would have helped - and still would, along with Suicides Anonymous rangers and St Bernards with brandy flasks in case it suddenly decides to become winter, or you need a swift snort.

Best would be a tunnel through the mountain, offering easy access from the City Bowl to Fish Hoek. Or add newer, higher Tampax Towers. I offer these suggestions as annexures to the National Planning Commission's new development proposals. Trevor Manuel needs our help. …