Dick Gephardt in 2004 ST. Louis, Mo

Article excerpt

To: DICK GEPHARDT

FROM: TUCKER CARTER, POLITICAL CONSULTANT

RE: BECOMING MORE JEWISH

DICK, THE RECENT REVELATIONS THAT MOST OF THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES HAVE JEWISH ROOTS REQUIRES US TO TAKE SWIFT ACTION. JUST TO REVIEW THE RECENT NEWS: HOWARD DEAN'S WIFE AND KIDS ARE JEWISH, DENNIS KUCINICH KEEPS KOSHER (BECAUSE OF HIS JEWISH GIRLFRIEND), GENERAL WESLEY CLARK COMES FROM A LINE OF RABBIS IN MINSK, HILLARY CLINTON'S GRANDMOTHER MARRIED SOMEONE NAMED MAX ROSENBERG, AND JOHN KERRY, OF ALL PEOPLE, LEARNED THAT BOTH HIS PATERNAL GRANDPARENTS WERE JEWISH (KERRY WAS ORIGINALLY KOHN).

CALL ME PARANOID, BUT I SUSPECT THESE CANDIDATES SAW HOW WELL THE JEWISH THING POLLED FOR JOE LIEBERMAN AND DID SOME CREATIVE GENEALOGY TO COME UP WITH JEWISH ROOTS. KERRY'S POLLING, IN FACT, REVEALED A 6% HIKE IN HIS FAVORABLES WHEN VOTERS WERE ASKED, "HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF IT TURNED OUT THAT SENATOR KERRY HAD JEWISH ROOTS?" THIS POLLED MUCH HIGHER THAN WHEN THEY ASKED ABOUT HINDUISM OR BAHA'I.

MY POLLING SHOWS A SIMILAR PATTERN. APPARENTLY, WHILE BEING JEWISH USED TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH GREED, DISLOYALTY, AND PUSHINESS, IT NOW IS ASSOCIATED WITH GOOD SATS, STRONG FAMILIES, AND FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE TOO LATE TO SIMPLY FIND SOME JEWISH ANCESTORS FOR YOU. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEVISE WAYS FOR YOU TO SEEM JEWISH DESPITE THE BAGGAGE OF HAVING ALL GENTILE ANCESTORS.

A FEW IDEAS:

1) ANNOUNCE YOU ARE LACTOSE-INTOLERANT. MOST CANDIDATES HAVE SOME MEDICAL PROBLEM, AND IF YOURS IS LACTOSE INTOLERANCE, A COMMON AFFLICTION OF EUROPEAN JEWS, YOU CAN IMPLY THAT YOU HAVE JEWISH ROOTS WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO PROVE IT.

2) THROW YIDDISH INTO STUMP SPEECHES. TRY GETTING THE CROWD TO CHANT, "BUSH IS A SCHMUCK; DON'T BUY HIS SHTICK. …