The Trembling Lamb

The Trembling Lamb

The Trembling Lamb

The Trembling Lamb

Excerpt

Dear Allen these last few days I went through hell but came out of it with a sight! I almost drank myself to death two bottles of scotch because I was unhappy about an incident in Athens with Z.R. and her clawing husband and the Life photograph o I cant go into that again I wept it to Don Allen and Ned Erbe theyll show you letters, just cant go on talking about it, I hope I didnt blame New Directions, anyway out of it all on the lovely isle of Hydra I actually saw Death, yes, it was the morning after the big night of saddrunk and much tears, I got up at 6 in the morning and walked out of the small town to a high deserted spot, five miles out, no inhabitants and when I arrived I suddenly had myriads of spots before my eyes and I spoke to myself loud and long about so many things and then felt faint, I stopped, I could not go on, my breath stopped, I fought, got my breath back, o the feeling! I felt so strong and so knowing.

I sat down and immediately said I KNOW I KNOW, people earth life this universe is going one way and I the other, yes, that's why I've been speaking death, well death is not bad, it's good, it's soul, there that what we think is soul in us is but death in us, lovely deaths, but man destroys that loveliness by morbidity and foundations and institutions and churches to aid life unto death, what they think is death, they're all wrong, they have it all confused, they are going the wrong way, even the universe, it goes the wrong way; I saw there at that moment a skinless light, a naked brilliance and felt like I never felt before in my life; I had done a great thing, I stepped out of the circle and did not die, and outside the circle, dear friend, death holds its warrant; a summoning to something wonderful and beautiful I'm sure; I was scared and stepped back into the circle, but now I know I can go out of the circle anytime I want and always come back; no wonder I wrote all those poems about death, I knew I wasn't a morbid doomful person, I knew there had to be a reason behind it all; and to think I was afraid to come to Greece, to think I came for Zeus Menalaus etc, when what really drove me here was that experience; how strange how we fight what is necessary for us; look how long it took me to get here. I did not need laughing gas pot lsd mescaline; it is not in drugs, it is in you, it's there, waiting; and it's not soul, it's the lovely death in you, the thing you eat against, the thing you kill unknowingly; you are not to blame, life's inexperience is to blame; but I've no doubt about you, I know you'll find it, what now? less expression; as you can see I dont even care to elaborate on this experience, words are words, poetry is poetry, all of this wrong crooked path; anyway I am well, good to peter, maybe when I calm down I'll expound more; bills book great, he has seen, i'm sure;

love gregory Oct 8, 1959

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