Wanted

Housekeeper for dynamic household.

Minimum qualification, degree in psychology.

Counselling skills advantageous.

To begin in the kitchen,

the cupboards live in a state of increasing accumulated chaos.

They never remember what they need,

overstock,

and shamelessly spill their troubles

in front of visitors.

The one under the sink is dark and moody.

It generates an eerie sense of menace.

The kettle's continually on the boil

so, naturally, the blender feels neglected.

The food processor sits and sulks.

The dishwasher's overworked,

the griller fumes

and the toaster won't stop smoking in the house.

Confronted by a stove that's easily heated,

the fridge maintains a nonchalant cool

by humming.

There's a couple of very stubborn windows.

The washing's clearly indiscreet --

reveals too many torrid family secrets.

It's a wonder that the iron stays level-headed.

(The outdoor setting's definitely cracking up.)

Big as it is, the piano does precious little,

but refuses to budge an inch for the vacuum cleaner --

one of the few things prepared to pull its weight about the place.

Mats buckle under pressure,

and the carpet runs amuck through the house.

Curtains just hang about looking pretty,

gazing absent-mindedly through windows,

while the blinds suffer really violent mood swings --

up one minute, down the next.

Fortunately, the table's steadfast and solid,

congenial as conversation,

yet the chairs object to being sat upon.

They resist noisily, drag their legs on purpose,

inflict scars upon the floor boards. …