Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

The Night Bob's Dentures Knocked Scores off Our Restaurant Bill. (Now What?)

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

The Night Bob's Dentures Knocked Scores off Our Restaurant Bill. (Now What?)

Article excerpt

There are times when behaving childishly is the best therapy. Take the time I sat at a table next to a dozen middle-aged men out on a stag night. They sat glugging fizzy restaurant lager and longing for a nice glass of wine. Then the compulsory policewoman/strippergram turned up. Instead of just doing a little dance and buggering off, she went the whole hog and filled the groom's trousers and pants with half a spray can of fluffy, whipped cream.

I couldn't pull my eyes away from the man as he writhed in his seat with cream in his groin. Finally, he scooped around inside his trousers, pulling out dollops of white foam, which he then smeared on to a napkin. He had looked and sounded ( I had earwigged) pretty nervous about "wife number three". But after the whipped cream incident he looked more than ready to settle down.

Last Friday night it was my turn to sit on "the table everyone else wishes would leave".

As regular readers will know, my friends in Wales are not exactly - how shall I put it? - your usual nouvelle cuisine clientele, but we got together to celebrate three birthdays at the poshest pub restaurant in a 20-mile radius.

Walking through the chintzy dining room, our group almost broke the necks of the retired majors and lady golfers as they tried not to stare our way. None of our men was wearing a tie; only some have teeth. None of us women was wearing a dress, but there was a bright array of woolly hats and home-made jumpers on display, along with a couple of T-shirt-and-rock-chick-denim combos. We were given the menus, and then the fun started.

"[pounds sterling]17.95 for two courses, twenty quid for three courses?" exploded Chris, the stained glass artisan. "But I don't want that much to eat." He checked his pockets "And I don't have any money on me. Doops." He started to titter.

Sammy and Azi are vegetarians. …

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