Magazine article The Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine)

I Hate Boys. (Last Word)

Magazine article The Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine)

I Hate Boys. (Last Word)

Article excerpt

I want children, and so does my boyfriend. We're lucky to have figured this out. I didn't exactly raise the subject on our third date. (Truth is, we never had a third date. Our first six months together felt like an extended sleepover.) There's just one problem. As it turns out, my boyfriend doesn't want children. He wants boys. He wants those three-foot-tall holy terrors who take more than their allotted five minutes on the swing set and then call you "crybaby" because you've burst into tears over this injustice. He wants those thugs who organize "secret organizations" to plot your demise simply because you ratted out the guy who boasted about cheating on the bonus question in geography.

Boys are not children. They are acne; they are designed to humble you with their flashes of cruelty and then recede into the realm of farcical childhood memory.

When it came time to write this column, I gleefully announced to Brian that I would be writing about his hatred of women. Of course, Brian denied hating women. According to him, the real reason he doesn't want to raise a girl is that there are so many ... er ... girl things he wouldn't be able to help our imaginary daughter with. "Like menopause!" he finished. I took a deep breath and informed him that menopause would probably take place 30 years after our daughter left the house.

"I like boys!" he proclaimed. "I am a boy. I understand boys."

Brian's implication was obvious. I didn't understand boys. I am a transgender-lite: a gay man, happy in my male body but genetically predisposed toward more female than male behaviors.

This might be true to a degree. As a child, I longed to bring packed Broadway houses to tears with my renditions of soul-searing ballads like "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man," but I'd be damned if I'd perform them in anything other than a suit. I have always surrounded myself with women in hopes that I would soak up some of their superior qualities. But I doubt that I could endure the mind-boggling pain of childbirth, and I'm still no good at giving the men in my life the illusion of control. …

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