Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

He Began Rubbing My Backside as If Checking out an Uncertain Melon

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

He Began Rubbing My Backside as If Checking out an Uncertain Melon

Article excerpt

So there (allegedly) were Arnie and Miss X in his trailer, on the set of one of his movies. Suddenly, a journalist or personal assistant (this is an urban legend, after all, and liable to change on each retelling) burst in, catching the pair in a delicate position.

"But ... you're married," spluttered the hack/assistant.

The Terminator turned his gigantic face around and leered: "Yes. But eating isn't cheating." The Austrian muscle mountain is supposed to have then returned coolly to the business at hand while the stunned onlooker backed out of the trailer, blushing. What a brilliant, if arrogant, response. How did he come up with that one-liner on the spur of the moment, though? Most men I know, if caught in that position, would hurl themselves tearfully beneath the nearest duvet and whimper: "I know, I know. Please don't tell her. It's never happened before/won't happen again."

Not Arnie. After all, he's a superstar. What the big jerk really meant was: "I don't need to play by your rules, earthling. I'm famous." I can just see Bill Clinton hearing this story and kicking himself for not having come out with that line. Simply by rhyming, Arnie made his infidelity cool. It scans better, too, than the clunky effort "I did not have sexual relations with that woman". As for Arnie, he should bring out a workout video. Tip number one could be: "Don't get bored doing the repetitions. Just focus on creating rhyming quips to make your peccadilloes funny enough to win you an election."

One female journalist was asked if she'd ever been "groped" by Schwarzenegger while interviewing him. After saying he'd always been a perfect gentleman, she added: "Perhaps I'm just not his type." If my daughter hadn't been in the room, I would have put my foot through the television screen. No wonder footballers and boxers get second chances from male fans after they are caught abusing, molesting or attacking women. …

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