Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Competition: Win Vouchers to Spend at Any TESCO Store

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Competition: Win Vouchers to Spend at Any TESCO Store

Article excerpt

Competition No 3871

Set by Gavin Ross, 28 February

To mark society's increasing dislike of smoking in public places, you were asked to revise scripts/stage directions for scenes from well-known plays or films to reflect these more intolerant times. The morality police were allowed to extend their strictures to the drinking of alcohol.

Report by Ms de Meaner

The scripts involving non-drinking were not as good as the non-smoking ones: however, Sid Field's Under Milk Wood wasn't bad and I also liked David Silverman's 007 ("Mr Bond?" "Thank you. Milk and two sugars, please. Shaken not stirred"). Hon menshes to you both. [pounds sterling]20 to the winners--the best (M F Clawes) also wins the Tesco vouchers.

The Graduate

Benjamin: Look, Mrs Robinson, I don't want to be rude but--(She reaches into her bag. She takes out a raw carrot and sucks on it.)

Mrs Robinson: Is there any hummus around here?

Benjamin: No.

Mrs Robinson: Yeah. The track star only eats red meat.

(She bites the carrot gently and lays it on the bedspread. Benjamin places it in an ashtray. Close-up: a glistening carrot and the words "Hotel de Crillon, Paris".)

Mrs Robinson: Is it a girl?

(A long pause.)

Mrs Robinson: Will you take me home?

Benjamin: What?

Mrs Robinson: My husband took the car. Will you drive me home?

Benjamin (handing her his keys): Here, you take it.

(Mrs Robinson looks at him.)

Benjamin: Do you know how to work a foreign gearshift?

(She waves the carrot at him.)

Benjamin: You don't?

Mrs Robinson: No.

Benjamin: Let's go.

Mrs Robinson: Thank you.

GORDON GWILLIAMS

Withnail & I

Withnail: I must have some bacteria. I demand to have some friendly bacteria! (He lunges towards the mantelpiece.)

Marwood: I wouldn't drink that if I were you. …

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