Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Competition: Win Vouchers to Spend at Any TESCO Store

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Competition: Win Vouchers to Spend at Any TESCO Store

Article excerpt

Competition No 3872

Set by Margaret Rogers, 7 March

You were asked to be poet laureate and celebrate Chuck and Cammie's nuptials.

Report by Ms de Meaner

I've never seen anything like it, and I don't mean the huge postbag this week. That I expected. I mean what was in the huge postbag. Here is a selection of your thought: "Correction of typing error in first mailing last line but one", "teeny correction", "I made an error in line 9: phase should be faze", "It's me mauthering on about one word in my comp entry", "I notice I omitted one of the l's in polloi in line 8" ... Sigh. [pounds sterling]20 to the winners, the best of whom (Ian Birchall) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

The Prince's Weddin'
'E was warned agin' 'er--
  Mother just said No;
Now they're gettin' married
  The old girl won't go.
Says it's much too common,
  Usin' the Town Hall;
Can't have royal weddin's
  Free for one an' all.

Yawn at the Prince's weddin'--
  Give 'em one yawn more!
Polo ponies in the lando
  An' a clown is married to a bore.

The 'ole nation's watchin'--
  It's on the TV;
Now Camilla's like Di,
  A ce-le-bri-ty!
She'll make such a good wife,
  No more on the shelf;
Squeezin' out 'is toothpaste--
  Can't do it 'imself.
  Yawn, etc.

'Arry's got 'is armband
  Like Great-Uncle Ted;
'E may be a Nazi--
  Good job 'e ain't Red!
Others seem more tactful--
  Think of Charlie's dad;
Soon she'll find the 'ole gang
  Are all rotten bad.
  Yawn, etc.
IAN BIRCHALL (AFTER RUDYARD KIPLING)

Whatever
Whatever they say of Camilla,
Whatever the insults they hurl,
Whenever they call her Godzilla
And say she's not much of a girl,
That for make-up she needs Polyfilla,
And her charisma is like Mr Bean's,
When push comes to shove
Just say you're in love--
Whatever "in love" means. … 
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