Magazine article The Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine)

An Education in Abstinence: How Can Two Gay Men Figure out Whether They're Eternally Compatible If They Can't Go All the Way? Well, Says Writer Joel Derfner, They Can't, Really

Magazine article The Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine)

An Education in Abstinence: How Can Two Gay Men Figure out Whether They're Eternally Compatible If They Can't Go All the Way? Well, Says Writer Joel Derfner, They Can't, Really

Article excerpt

I met my first real boyfriend (by "real" I mean that there was a fourth date) when he played the villain in a musical I'd written based on The Count of Monte Cristo. Ben had a great voice and even better cheekbones--and, more important, he seemed not to notice that the musical was terrible. Within two weeks of meeting we were going out. On our third date, while we were buying snacks to accompany our movie rental, he revealed that he too loved salt and vinegar potato chips, and I knew I had found the One. We were not utterly foolish: We did not move in together after a month. But we fit together like a hand in a glove. The understanding that we were soul mates suffused our entire relationship.

The only problem was that we had never had sex.

Don't get me wrong: By the end of our second date we were naked and helping each other relieve the stresses of the day. We found each other intensely attractive and enjoyed many, many activities of which the members of the Westboro Baptist Church would heartily disapprove. But I couldn't have penetrative sex because I was a sperm donor, and I'd premised the lesbians I wouldn't risk infection.

My friends had all been baffled when I'd told them I was going to be a bio-dad, because I hate and fear children. But the lesbians lived in Boston, so I would only have to see the child a few times a year, and besides, I wanted to perform the mitzvah ("good deed") of increasing the number of the Jewish people. Thus began a long period of entering the lesbians' bathroom with a baggie and a copy of Inches and exiting with the stuff of life.

Unfortunately, the stuff of life didn't seem to be doing them much good. Month after month the zygote failed to make its scheduled appearance. When we'd started the process I was single and uninterested in casual sex (don't ask), so eschewing penetration was easy. Now that Ben had entered the picture, however, things were different.

He had the patience of a saint, but after almost a year this was getting to be ridiculous. "One of those sperm bastards had better make it," I railed to him in bed, as he did something close to what I really wanted him to be doing. But none of them ever did, and eventually the lesbians and I reluctantly abandoned our project. …

Search by... Author
Show... All Results Primary Sources Peer-reviewed

Oops!

An unknown error has occurred. Please click the button below to reload the page. If the problem persists, please try again in a little while.