Magazine article CRM Magazine

Dear John Inc.: Celebrating the Urge to Merge, and the Heartbreak

Magazine article CRM Magazine

Dear John Inc.: Celebrating the Urge to Merge, and the Heartbreak

Article excerpt

NO, I'M NOT FINISHED with the timely, holiday-related columns yet. I'll probably have to give it a rest for March, lest the Ancient Order of Hibernians pillory me for defamation of the Irish-American character. Fortunately, February provides a wealth of inspiration. The (new) bottle of single malt on my desk is also helping.

It's a cruel twist of fate that arranges our holidays the way they are. New year's Eve, celebrated in the West as an opportunity to get tanked and hook up with any one of our judgment-impaired comrades (gender preferences not always withstanding), is followed a mere 45 days later by Valentine's Day, a day on which we declare our undying love for our romantic attachments until such time as we change our minds. I've never even been in the position of having to introduce myself and explain anything the next morning like they do in all the sitcoms, so I can only wonder what it's like if you can't bring yourself to say "Thanks, and goodbye" so many days later.

Something similar happened around the time I was writing this, and it seemed relevant. Pitney Bowes and Firstlogic, having announced their engagement in September 2005, called it off after the SEC raised an eyebrow after the party. Imagine the broken hearts as the two star-crossed companies parted at the regulatory altar. Or don't imagine--we at CRM magazine have acquired the private correspondence detailing the two companies' breakup, and present the paper trail in its mournful entirety:

Dear First,

I don't know how to say this right, so I'm just going to come out and say it: I can't go through with our plans to be together permanently. It's not you, it's me--I just couldn't take the pressure of all the scrutiny. Being with you put my life in the public eye too much, and I'm not used to that. I mean, I'm just a mail sorter when you get right down to it. I don't know how to deal with the SEC watching all our private moments. …

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