Magazine article Sojourners Magazine

Running on Empty: One Man's Personal Quagmire, and It Has Nothing to Do with Iraq

Magazine article Sojourners Magazine

Running on Empty: One Man's Personal Quagmire, and It Has Nothing to Do with Iraq

Article excerpt

Keep 'em laughing, I always say, especially when you're half-naked on a gurney surrounded by stern-looking nurses. So when one of them asked if I had completely flushed out my system the night before and hadn't eaten that morning, I cleverly responded: "Nothing but that Burrito Breakfast Special down at the Taco Bell. Otherwise, I'd be REAL hungry right now! Hahahahha!"

(Editor's Note: Please, not again. Not another tedious recounting of your latest medical procedure. For years we've had to suffer through every paper cut, every fearful encounter with a stinging insect, every heart "'incident.'" Can you just give it a rest!?)

Nor did I leave the doctors out of the precolonoscopy fun, gently chiding them at their choice of medical specialty with comments such as, "So, you guys all studied for years and years so you, like, could do this every day for the rest of your professional lives, right? Right?"

Doctors (whispering amongst themselves): "'Get out the old hose. The one that's a little jaggedy on the end."

Like I always say, laughter is the best sedative!

(Editor's Note: Look, as we speak there are hundreds of thousands of immigrants protesting for their rights, and all you want to talk about is your colon!?)

That's an excellent point about a very important issue. Despite our nation's history of welcoming the outsider, many Americans feel that our country is filling up with foreigners beyond our capacity to contain them all.

Much like the bloated feeling I got the night before my colonoscopy.

Admittedly, I did not think about the issues dividing our nation as I sat in the bathroom forcing down two gallons of ill-flavored laxative. The liquid was prescribed to purge my body of all substances, illegal or otherwise, but to be honest, for most of the evening the political metaphors were lost on me.

(Editor's Note: Oh SPARE US! There's a WAR on, for heaven's sake! And it's a quagmire. After four years there just doesn't seem to be a way out. Iraq is still not a country that can stand on its' own.)

Nor could I, now that you mention it. Oh, I tried to cut and run, but I kept returning, ultimately trapped, unable to leave for any reason. Although I wouldn't call it a "quagmire." (I'm not sure where the editors are going with that, unless they're referring to the president when he said, "We're not leaving until the job is finished. …

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