Magazine article The Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine)

Your Gay Oscar Bash Is a Bore

Magazine article The Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine)

Your Gay Oscar Bash Is a Bore

Article excerpt

You just read that headline and thought, No way, mine are incredible. But there's a nearly 100% chance you're wrong about that. I'm going to tell you why.

First, your environment is all wrong. And by that, I mean I'm starving. I've latched on to an annual party with good food. But I've been to some where it's been like, "Here, fool, I got Triscuits and celery." If you're a decent person, you'll be delivering the cupcakes, ribs, taquitos, milk shakes, Chex mix, chocolate, and booze You also need enough places to sit. The show is about 19 hours long. I demand a spot on a sofa. One not covered in cat hair. If you can't manage that, then don't host.

The rest is about guests. Translation: Your friends who are all "OMG! Dreamgirls!" need to be put in check. Because, seriously, if you give a flying heck about these awards at all, then you're pretty much doomed to an Evening in Lame-O Town. Any half-assedly film-literate person already knows that the Oscars are usually artistically meaningless. Really daring movies rarely get nominated. If they did, then directors like David Cranenberg and Claire Denis would be household names. If you railed about homophobia because that piece of crap Crash won Best Picture over Broke back Mountain, then your party values are out of sync with the Universe of Fun's laws of physics.

Who needs worthy films to win besides the studios that stand to make money from them? No one. Dignified people make boring thank-you speeches. It's better when self-important blowhards win, thank L. Ran Hubbard, and yell shit like "I'm the king of the world.

This is a fact. …

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