Magazine article The Progressive

Scouting Report

Magazine article The Progressive

Scouting Report

Article excerpt

The World Series of Presidential politics is a whole eighteen months down the road, but the major players are already lacing up their cleats. Yes, my friends, it's spring training for the Presidency. Again.

This time, the field promises to be more crowded than the trainer's table after the first day of wind sprints for pitchers. Besides, this is America. Where any Dominican can grow up to be shortstop and any American can grow up to be President. A fact recently immeasurably reinforced by George Bush.

On paper, conventional wisdom tells us we'll see a championship final of Clinton versus McCain, but they don't play on paper because if they did, their cleats would tip it all to shreds what with the running and the sliding.

So here is our scouting report on some of the announced and presumed contenders for the upcoming season, in which, for once, everybody has a chance. Except the Cubs and Dennis Kucinich, that is.

Democratic League Donkeys

7 to 2. New York Senator Hillary Clinton.

Like the Yankees she claims to be a fan of, she behaves almost like she's miffed the crown isn't just handed over to her.

6 to 1. Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

Rookie just called up from Triple A. Might not be ready for the hardball style of the Bigs. Already got into a pimp-slapping contest with Hillary and lost.

10 to 1. Former North Carolina Senator John Edwards.

Still clinging to a lineup featuring his trademark "Two Americas" pitch. Another four years of Bush might mean the public finally catches up to his message.

50 to 1. Delaware Senator Joe Biden.

Back on disabled list due to persistent bout of foot-in-the-mouth disease. A little too comfortable flossing with own shoelaces.

500 to 1. The Field.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. In it for the Vice Presidency.

Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd. …

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