Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

David Cameron's Freshly Exfoliated Face Leers at Us like an Airbrushed Baby's Bottom

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

David Cameron's Freshly Exfoliated Face Leers at Us like an Airbrushed Baby's Bottom

Article excerpt

My psychic juices are flowing. I've tuned in to the general public's state of mind and I'm concerned. You're not yourselves. You're feeling down. Don't pretend otherwise. Summer is over and you've hardly had a sniff of sunshine, mortgage repayments keep going up and Jodie Marsh's career isn't going very well at all. What is there for you to live for? Am I right, or am I right?

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

Don't worry, my darlings. Uncle Julian is here to put a positive spin on things. You're in good hands. I once convinced Ann Widdecombe that she'd look better blonde. I know what I'm doing. You must count your blessings.

First, we have the Rugby World Cup to look forward to. A couple of close ups of some trembling tree-trunk thighs, and all will seem well with the world, trust me. (As if there weren't enough hookers in Paris as it is.)

There seems to be a general feeling that the England team aren't up to much this year. Nonsense. Our boys won't let us down. It may be that the young Wilkinson chap has a broken nail or something, but there are plenty more where he came from. Real grunters, with necks like Nicaraguan volcanos, steaming with lusty eruptions, barely contained.

All that man-on-man action is very life-affirming, don't you think? Whatever side of the church you sit on.

I only hope I have the strength left for the "Winners' Jacuzzi Party" I'm planning to throw. It's going to be an intimate affair--just me and the finalists, I think. They'd better bring their reserve players; I once wore out the Bulgarian Olympic swimming team in 20 minutes. "Come as you are!"-that's what I'm going to have printed on the invites. It should raise a smile with the New Zealanders. (Not too many long words, I trust.)

I'm going to dress casual and mix and mingle. I know how to get a party going. …

Search by... Author
Show... All Results Primary Sources Peer-reviewed

Oops!

An unknown error has occurred. Please click the button below to reload the page. If the problem persists, please try again in a little while.