Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

I've Always Fancied Being in a Musical. with the Right Lighting I Could Be the Next Sarah Brightman

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

I've Always Fancied Being in a Musical. with the Right Lighting I Could Be the Next Sarah Brightman

Article excerpt

One area of my career as an entertainer that has been horribly neglected is musical theatre, so I'm having singing lessons from a nice woman called Mary. I stand in her bay window with my thumb stuck in my navel and make "Eeeeee!" noises for an hour. Apparently that's all there is to it. If I'm a good boy she shows me photographs of a woman's private parts, which she claims to be of a larynx. I nod politely and say how pretty it is.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

I've always fancied being in a West End musical and I'm not going to let a little matter like tone deafness stand in my way. We mustn't let nature's shortcomings hold us back (ask Anne Robinson). Mind over matter, I say. With the right lighting I'm convinced I could be the next Sarah Brightman.

But which musical to plump for? You won't see me in Grease (unless you peer through my net curtains on a Friday night), and I wouldn't suit the drab costumes in Les Miserables--I don't have the right colouring. I think Cabaret would be ideal, if I could play the MC. My agent has been informed.

Mind you, I'm not sure about working for Bill Kenwright. I hear his office is decorated primarily in beige, and his secretary has a distinct whiff of Essex about her. Rumour has it you get paid in tokens that you can only spend in other Kenwright theatres.

On the other hand, he seems quite clean and it will get me out of the house. Let's face it, I've not been booked for panto, so ... why not?

Last Thursday evening saw the excitement of the New Statesman party in Whitehall's Banqueting House, if you please. The ceiling is a bit busy, but that's Rubens for you. Nothing a bit of Artex couldn't fix. (He may have been the Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen of his day, but my dear, those thighs!)

Nice to bump into Rory Bremner who, more loyal subscribers will remember, used to write this column before me and Shazia took it on. …

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