Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Tactical Briefing

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Tactical Briefing

Article excerpt

From: The Unit

To: GB

Subject: Tories

So, at this point, obviously complacency is the great risk, blah blah. But following are some thoughts on what to do tactically after we win the election. At the Unit we feel there will be two basic approaches we can adopt re the Tories: Destroy or Absorb.

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* Destroy

We know this has always been your favourite. Indeed, we should probably be careful to make sure you're never photographed reading positive polling results, because (and we feel we can say this here at the Unit, because we're all 100 per cent behind you) the laugh you give at anything over a 6.5 per cent lead is so full and throaty and intense, it can be a little bit, and we hesitate to use this word, "spooky". Likewise when you pummel your fist into your palm and repeat "grind them and grind them and grind them". For ages. That's a bit weird, too. Just a couple to watch there!

Anyway, if we go for destroy there would be three main figures to target. If we can neutralise them, the Tories should go down for good:

1) Cameron. Should be fairly simple after the election to bonk him on the head like a trout.

2) Osborne. Think we subtly float in the papers that he doesn't know how much a pint of milk costs, where Birmingham is, or how to find his house without a chauffeur or call girl.

We could also reattribute the Mandelson guacamole/mushy pea story to him, but suggest that after it happened he was so embarrassed he bought the chippy, burned it down and built a sweatshop and car park and forced-labour massage parlour on the site. …

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