Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Protect and Survive No 4021

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Protect and Survive No 4021

Article excerpt

Set by Hank T Romein

After hearing that Brick Lane in London is to have its lamp posts padded to prevent people who walk and text at the same time from having accidents, we asked you for other measures to protect us from the vicissitudes of 21st-century life

Report by Ms de Meaner

While some of your offerings were the usual hilarious off-the-wall flights of fancy (and often illegal), quite a number of you were verging on the deadly serious. Barry Baldwin, one of the serious tendency, sent in "phasers that immobilise mobile phones within a 100-yard radius". I think I must inform the clearly seething Barry that something like this already exists. It is a device that emits a radio signal to block the use of mobile phones and can be imported from Taiwan. The singletons can all have a [pounds sterling]5 book token each; the rest get a tenner, while Neil Rennick, star of the week, also gets the Tesco vouchers.

All polling booths for the London mayoral elections to be padded, to
protect voters from self-inflicted head injuries.
High-impact cushions to be inflated below all Wall Street buildings and
trained counsellors placed on external cleaning equipment for rapid
window-ledge deployment. Economists suggest this may be a sign of the
economic crisis deepening.
Newspapers and magazines to carry a detailed and accurate contents page,
to protect readers from the sense of despair and hopelessness brought on
by accidentally spending time reading an article on Paris Hilton,
Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears. … 
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