Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Being a Footballer's Girlfriend or Wife Takes Practice, Believe Me. I Just Looked like a Lemon

Magazine article New Statesman (1996)

Being a Footballer's Girlfriend or Wife Takes Practice, Believe Me. I Just Looked like a Lemon

Article excerpt

I have never really fitted in anywhere, nowhere at all. I have always been quite aware of feeling slightly out of place in a variety of situations. It started at tap-dancing class, where my ability was so distressing that I felt the only way to conceal the substandard shuffle ball change was to make as much noise as possible with my tap shoes to distract from the unsatisfactory goings-on in row three.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

Another occasion came recently, when I was performing in the red-light area of Amsterdam. The doorman refused me entry to the club, bellowing in my face: "Hookers are not allowed in here. This is a comedy club." "I am a comedian," I replied. "Well, you don't look like one. Let me just check with the management."

Not only did I feel out of place, but I was now paranoid that I also looked out of place. I was perturbed that this man would assume I didn't look like a comedian but did look like a hooker.

This week, I once again felt misplaced while filming a new TV show. The episode was about how we perceive beauty, and for this investigation, what better place to go than Liverpool? Home to orange women, or, as Dulux describes them: Golden Bark 4.

I had to spend the day with a glamour model, whose role models include Jordan and Coleen McLoughlin. She was a very nice girl and I got on with her very well. It was her job to take me shopping in Liverpool and turn me into a Wag (wife and girlfriend of a footballer). It should actually be called Wog (wife or girlfriend of a footballer), because--as we all know--you can't have both. But I understand this could have racist connotations that could take Liverpool back five years.

First off, she took me directly to the trendy boutiques frequented by real Wags and decided to pick out a dress for me that would help me fit in to the Wag scene. I was to wear this dress to a fashion show, which was to be attended by real-life footballers' wives such as Alex Curran. …

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