Magazine article The American Prospect

Preemptive Presidential Pardons

Magazine article The American Prospect

Preemptive Presidential Pardons

Article excerpt

MONICA GOODLING

Offense: Politicized hiring and firing at Department of Justice

Presidential statement: I know that some folks are mad still about the hard work Monica did. I also know that Monica asked job-seekers what things about George W. Bush made them want to serve him. I don't see what's political about that and think it is a good question. In fact, I think it should become standard in most job interviews in America, replacing "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Monica is also a fox. I fully pardon her.

KARL ROVE

Offense: Political firings and political prosecutions at DOJ

Presidential statement: Turd Blossom is a good man, and t don't want all these investigations getting drug out. He has an important message to send to us all about how John McCain's opponent may be a Muslim and a Black Panther with a God complex. I therefore fully pardon Karl.

ALBERTO GONZALES

Offense: Torture, illegal DOJ hiring and firing, wiretapping

Presidential statement: I know some folks are saying Gonzales this and Gonzales that. But I don't know how anyone could look Fredo in the eye and stay mad at the fella. …

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